The Toad

"Lick me," said the toad.

"No way," I said.

"Go on, you know you want to."

"Why would I want to lick a toad?" I asked.

"I've got hallucinogenic effects when licked," boasted the toad.

"I don't want to hallucinate," I said. "I've got to get to work."

"C'mon," begged the toad.

"I'm not licking you and that's the end of it," I said.



"Lick me."

And with that, I stepped onto the hovercraft to make my way to work.

"You don't know what you're missing," shouted the toad as the hovercraft moved off.

Ozzy Osbo

The best/worst tattoo I ever saw was on a man who was a big Ozzy Osbourne fan. He had O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across the top of the 4 fingers on his right hand and O-S-B-O across the 4 fingers of his left hand. Legend.

Living Dangerously

* Leaving a deodorant can on the floor of your bedroom where it's not protected from sunlight or out of reach of children

* Not checking you got the correct change

* Sitting naked in your bedroom window for upwards of 27 seconds

* Not closing the bathroom door when you're having a bath

The UK Media's Fetishisation of the Military

As if watching 'Daybreak' in the morning isn't bad enough, this morning's features on Valentine's Day seemed to feature almost exclusively tales of women married to men in the armed forces and how they keep their love alive when their men are away.

Surely I can't be the only person getting sick of the increasingly fawning nature of the UK media, in particular the more-tabloidy and right-wing outlets, towards the miltary?

Everything revolves around "our brave boys". Countless documentaries about their work, awards ceremonies on ITV (the 'ITV Military Awards'), constant interviews with military wives, reality shows featuring military wives, songs released by military wives, albums released by serving personnel...

WTF is going wrong with the world? It's gotten to the point where any criticism of war or military procedure is seen as an attack on "our brave boys". Rumoured cuts of the armed forces (in line with cuts in the rest of the UK civil or public services) are viewed as an outrage against humanity, where as it's ok to make cuts elsewhere (like in the NHS) as the other services "need to be realistic" in these austere times. Stories of servicemen convicted of crimes like rape, murder, torture etc getting little public attention...

Well, I for one would have little problem cutting the armed forces in the UK. Mainland Britain hasn't been invaded for almost 1,000 years, and won't be invaded again (unless by aliens). There won't be another Nazi Germany. There's no need for Britain to have nuclear weapons. There's no need for Britain to have one of the biggest armed forces in the world.

Cut the military. Sell off the weapons, warships and tanks. Re-train any useful personnel to join the police force or fire and rescue services. Spend the money on the NHS and on public services. End this fetishisation of the military, and end it now.

That is all.

Lana Del Rey: "Born to Die"

Artist: Lana Del Ray

Album: Born to Die

Released: 2012

"Here's your half of the money," I said, pushing the cash over the table.

"I've got a better idea," said the Femme Fatale, pointing a gun at my head. "How about I take it all?"

I should have known. Why did I trust a woman who insisted on being called 'Femme Fatale'?

I bagged up the money and watched as the Femme Fatale took it and got into my car. She flipped me off as she drove away.

It hadn't all been bad. There had been a lot of sex, drugs and drinking before she betrayed me. This was part of her plan, of course, but I look back on that time with fondness all the same.

It only took a day for the Police to find me. "You've got the wrong man," I protested, "She put me up to it," I said, but my heart wasn't really in it. I took what the judge gave me and I'll be out soon.

I don't know what happened to the Femme Fatale. I heard she went down to Mexico, but I can't say for sure. The way she spends money, I can't imagine what we got will last her that long. That said, there's plenty of men foolish enough to get taken for a ride by a temptress like her, as I can testify to.

Would I do it again? Maybe. It was fun while it lasted, but things will have to be different next time. Knowing the outcome before you begin tends to take some of the fun out of what you are doing.

Best Song: Video Games

Rating: 3/5



This Pie Tastes Off

There was once a shop called Westpoint Stores. Lots of children used to shoplift sweets there. Someone I knew at school lived next door.

The shop was closed for selling shit pies. And I don't men pies of a poor standard, I mean the woman who ran the shop went a bit mad and put animal shit in the pies.

I don't know how anyone found out about this.

"I'm certain I can taste shit in this pie."

"How do you know what shit tastes like?"

"Erm..."

The shop has since been converted into a house. I don't know the people who live there and I don't know if they know what went on there.

She Married HIM?

I remeber reading a story in the newspaper not long ago about a builder who got married. Nothing unusual there, you might think. Unless the builder's got no arms or legs or something.

Anyway, this particular builder married a woman who used to walk past the building site on her way to-and-from work. And this builder used to whistle and shout suggestive comments at her. AND SHE MARRIED HIM.

Which begs many questions: how stupid is she? How stupid is he? Why tell a national newspaper that this is how you met? Is it still the 1970s and no-one told me?

"Mummy, how did you meet Daddy?"

"Well, I used to go past where he worked and he shouted 'Get yer tits out for the lads' at me. It was so romantic."

"I wish Daddy was still alive."
"So do I."