Whip-Smart: April 2012

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Scream

Nobody knows when exactly the film Scream came out, or who made it, but people realised as soon as they saw it that it was a special film. Many years on and I'm glad to say that the passing of time hasn't treated this film badly; if anything, it's just as relevant today given the non-stop barrage of sequels, remakes, re-imaginings and really bad films that Hollywood shits on us so regularly. If you don't know, Scream is a horror-comedy about a group of horror movie-savvy teens (and others) being chased by a "ghostface" killer. The teens critique, quote and reference the rules of horror movies while they are being targeted by the killer. Everyone will tell you that this ironic, self-aware approach revitalised the horror genre, although, to be fair, Wes Craven had already kind of done that before a couple of years earlier with Wes Craven's New Nightmare.
Scream fact: Skeet Ulrich's real name is Bryan Ray Trout.

"You've gotta have a sequel," someone probably said at some point in Scream 2, which is now set at university/college, where Neve Campbell's character Sidney (spoiler: she survived the first film) has gone to study. But guess what, killings start to happen again! No way! As with the first film, the characters discuss the rules of sequels as the action plays out, much to plan; higher body count, more elaborate deaths/murders etc. This time around, though, there's a longer running time, a slower pace, less humour and it starts getting a bit too improbable towards the end. It's a good horror film but doesn't have the magic of the first film.
Scream 2 fact: The opening of Titanic was moved so as not to coincide with this film's release.

How do you finish a horror trilogy? Make it a bit sillier than the previous films? Tone down the killings? Move the action to Hollywood? Add in some previously unknown family revelations? Well, that's what they did in Scream 3, with mixed results. It doesn't seem as bad now as it did at the time, but it's still much weaker than the first two films, and with no Jamie Kennedy to add the ironic horror film knowledge, the humour is more slapstick, mainly courtesy of Parker Posey. Meh.
Scream 3 fact: Courteney Cox looks older in Scream than she does in Scream 3.

Scream returns after a decade off! Tight, new, shiny faces all round then! Taking aim at "torture porn", the internet, fame and sequels (again), Scream 4 was the film they said they'd never make! And they probably shouldn't have. This is poor compared to the previous films, the "new" teenagers are nothing short of annoying, and it's no surprise when the killers reveal themselves. Why did they bother? Answer: money.
Scream 4 fact: This is still better than Nightmare on Elm Street 4.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Video Games (Not the Lana Del Rey Song)

I barely played Resident Evil on the PS1, but it seemed OK. Got a bit bored of it then went back to playing Pro Evolution Soccer, a far superior (but very different!) game. A virus breaks out, people become zombie-like, yada yada yada, the goodies kill them and escape. The End. I'm told the film has not that much to do with the game, but, either way, it's pretty terrible. Makes me wish there was a Pro Evolution Soccer film that I could switch over to.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse is the second film in the series. Saying that it is better than the first film is like saying a slap in the face is better than a punch, but it's true. This time a whole city gets infected. Of course, there's a girl who's immune, a tight timeframe to rescue her, a big fight against a big mutant boss... but, guess what? The heroes escape, and it's left open for another film. Who'd have known.

Silent Hill is a film that suffers from it not being clear what's going on, which can be a real problem for a film. A mum has to go to the titular spooky town to find her escaped (adopted) daughter. There seems to be parallel dimensions within the same town, but it is never explained why. (Not a day goes by when I don't ask myself: 'Why do some people enter one dimension and others another?') Anyway, the mum finds her daughter, so you don't have to worry. Or watch the film. It's very well made, to be fair, but pretty dull. There's a sequel on the way with a worse director. Joy.

DOA: Dead or Alive is based on a straight-up fighting game. The makers decided to not bother adding much of a story, meaning that the film is nothing less than a series of pointless fights featuring some fairly attractive women, often wearing not much clothing. Sounds good? No, this is the kind of film that makes you want to blow your brains out. It really is impossibly bad. At what stage did anybody think this was a good idea? There's so much fighting it just becomes white noise. There's no real humour, no personality, no nothing. Don't watch this film or THEY'VE WON.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

The Future, The Desert and Antarctica

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines has got some quality young actors in the cast, namely Claire Danes and Nick Stahl. Unfortunately, they also decided to make the film a non-stop action spectacular that didn't call for a lot of acting. Still, it rattles along at a fair old pace, Kristanna Loken is pretty good as the new T-X and Arnie is back, doing what Arnie does. But with a suspiciously tight face. Not terrible, and with a surprisngly good but downbeat ending.

Anyone remember when people got excited about anything involving Quentin Tarantino? Well, you'll have to remember what that was like some more, because Hell Ride is about a bad a film as you will see. Some bikers decide to kill some other bikers (for no reason), there's non-stop rock music throughout to let you know how cool the film is, dialogue consisting of one-liners and little in the way of actual conversation, and a rubbishly feeble shootout at the end. (And it features the dreadful Vinnie Jones.) Truly awful and no surprise that this went straight to DVD. Just because Tarantino was only executive producer doesn't mean we shouldn't blame him.

Speaking of terrible, Whiteout, starring Kate Beckinsale, is a mystery thriller set in Antarctica. However, they forgot to add in any mystery. Or thrills. A plane crashes, some people fight over the cargo, some people end up dead. Setting a film like this in such a remote location should add tension, but sadly it doesn't, it just means you can't really see what's going on during the many outdoor/snowy/"whiteout" scenes. There isn't even an action-packed finale, the film just tails off into nothingness..............

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Rubbish Film Round-Up: The Remakes

I've watched a lot of films lately. Almost all of them rubbish.

Rob Zombie's remakes (or "re-imaginings") of the Halloween films are especially bad. Dispensing with suspense in favour of brutal, savage stabbings never sounded like a good idea, and it isn't. And making the grown-up Michael Myers look like wrestler The Undertaker just adds to the general rubbishness of the films. Halloween 2, which Mr Zombie claimed would be "more realistic", makes no sense; Michael Myers was shot about 100 times at the end of the first film, but survives. And has shared visions with his sister Laurie Strode during the film. Realistic?

The original and the best

Despite having Michael Bay involved, the remake of Friday the 13th at least sticks to the spirit of the originals, i.e, idiots getting stabbed. Rob Zombie, take note. Interestingly, three women get topless in the film, all of them have breast implants.

The original Prom Night series wasn't that good, and the new version hasn't bucked the trend. Having an obviously rubbish killer, who kills the teenagers rather boringly with a little knife, adds upto a horribly mediocre watching experience.

The remake of The Fog has John Carpenter involved in producing the film, unlike Halloween, and at least makes a decent "stab" of updating the film, although it fails more than it succeeds. Starring the guy from Smallville, it makes the mistake of having rather unsympathetic characters you hope get killed, though only some of them do. Shame.