Naomi Campbell: "Babywoman"

Artist: Naomi Campbell

Album: Babywoman

Released: 1994

Intro: released to an unprepared world in 1994 to no acclaim, critical or otherwise, and a lot of bemusement, Naomi Campbell's debut (and to this day only) album was probably intended to cash-in on the supermodel craze of the time. Strangely, Cindy Crawford never bothered making an album.

The album was released by Epic (Sony), and features production credits by the likes of Youth and PM Dawn, and writing credits for people such as Gavin Friday, seemingly only "famous" because he's best mates with Bono.

On the CD is a sticker proclaiming: "INCLUDES THE HITS: 'Love and Tears' and 'I Want To Live'." It only reached number 75 in the British album chart, although it says on Wikipedia that it sold 1 million copies worldwide!!

Amongst the people thanked in the credits are: Linda Evangelista and Kyle Maclachlan, Johnny Depp, all four members of U2 indiviually and Robert De Niro. It also says: "To my assistant Carlton Gardner, thanks for everything." I don't know if he's one of the assistants she beat up or chucked a phone at.

Over at AllMusic, they don't even bother giving a written review to the album. They just give it two stars (out of five).

1. Love & Tears

And we're off! This was released as a single and reached number 40 in the singles chart, and features Chrissie Hynde on backing vocals. It starts with an Indian sound (tablas) and Naomi holds herself back on the singing... until about 1:40 into the song when she lets herself go! And it's worth the wait; she really can't sing. Later on, she starts talking. "Wipe away my tears, baby," she says. The music on this song ain't that bad but the singing is pretty lame. The Indian sound pre-dates Kula Shaker by two years; strange, everyone knows Kula Shaker invented Indian music. This song was truly ahead of its time. You can watch the video below.

2. I Want To Live

This song was also a "hit", apparently.  It sounds like an early 90s dance-pop song, kind of like an early Take That song. You know, that one where they writhe around oiled up or something. Anyway, this song is essentially just Naomi singing "I want to live" over and over again with the odd bit of talking. The singing is more restrained and less obviously bad.

3. Ride A White Swan

Yes, this is a cover of the Marc Bolan & T-Rex song. And yes it's lame. It sounds like a later Oasis song like 'Lyla', it's very monotonous. It sounds like she's singing the lyrics without ever having heard the original because the singing doesn't follow the melody. Either that, or she's a musical genius and she's come up with a new concept for a cover version: have the music stick to the original melody while the singing veers way off course.

4. Life Of Leisure

Bizarrely, this is another cover version. Of a Luscious Jackson song. 'Cus I'm sure Naomi's a big fan. The song starts with some noises that sound like someone getting cock-slapped in the face, repeatedly. You know what that sounds like, don't pretend that you don't. The music itself is very similar to the original, just a bit more uptempo. This is the sound of brilliance being shat on, of the mainstream copying the cool without understanding why it was cool in the first place.

5. Babywoman

Being the title track, you'd think this might be the best song yet. Well, you'd be completely wrong, as this is the worst so far. Over an early 90s r'n'b sound, Naomi sings some strange lyrics like "Come take a ride on my shiny paper moon", "I'm no Venus de Milo" and "living in a horse-shaped world". She also does more talking on this song, partly in French. "Je m'appelle Naomi, peace and love, it's a wonderful thing." Bizarre.

6. Looks Swank (Spooky)

Featuring a sample from a James Brown song, repeated about 500 times throughout the song (gotta get your money's worth), this features more talking, this time over a chilled-out hip hop beat. "Can't help myself, oh yeah," sings Naomi, apropos of nothing.

7. Picnic In The Rain

Continuing the hip hop sound, but with added piano (that sounds like the kind you get in a hotel lobby/restaurant), this features Naomi singing things like: "No-one ever tells me what to do or say." Musical powerhouses (and in no way one-hit wonders) PM Dawn gets a credit for additional production and remix. Essentially, the point of this song is that nothing can stop Naomi, not even rain when she's having a picnic.

8. When I Think About Love

PM Dawn get full production credits for this ballad, which features lots of finger-clicking and cheesy acoustic guitar. This is one of those types of songs that boybands sit on stools and pull strange hand movements when they sing it. Naomi sounds drunk on this one; it seems like a "one take then I'm off" kind of performance, like Krusty the Klown does on 'The Simpsons'. The one take isn't very good.

9. All Through The Night

This sounds like it has the exact same beat as the previous two songs, but with a cheesy synth-glockenspiel sound over the top. It also features the lyrics "All through the night, lay your head on my shoulder, make love to my mind" repeated about ten times throughout. Ten backing singers (one of which is apparently Luther Vandross) join in towards the end, at which point Naomi reaches for a high note. And fails.

10. Sunshine On A Rainy Day

The last song proper is a cover version of Zoe's hit from 1990/1991, a song still played on local radio stations to this day. Every day. Naomi gives up trying to sing in tune (it is the last song after all), finally, and finds her true voice as a drunk aunty at a karaoke night. The song drags on for 5:45...

11. I Want To Live (Reprise)

Like the original (track 2), this is basically just Naomi singing "I want to live" over some dance pop music with some added talking. The point of this is thet Naomi wants to live, I think.

Summary: this is an hilariously bad album, featuring some very generic music topped with some truly woeful singing, and laughable attempts at talking sexily during the songs. Unfortunately for Naomi, auto-tune wasn't invented until 1997. Definitely worth a listen for comedy value alone. I got this second hand on Amazon for £0.01 (+ postage of £1.26).

Rating: 0/5

We Weren't Unlucky

Another tournament, another defeat on penalties after a limp display. Yes, England are finally out of Euro 2012 at the quarter final stage.

Still, fair play to Italy, they were much the better team. They'll probably get stuffed by Germany in their semi final, but they've done better than us. At least there's another two years before we have to go through all this again.

...And Again!

Not content with beating Bowser once today, I decided to complete all 96 levels on 'Super  Mario World' then beat him again. Word. I can tell you're all impressed.



Take That, Bowser!

I just beat Bowser in 'Super Mario World'. I am quite literally a game-playing genius without compare.

I always enter through the back door.

S'alright Yoshis, I was just doing my duty.

I'm sure Bowser will be back.

In Praise of Bad Music

Like a lot of people, I occasionally enjoy films that are "so bad they're good". 'A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge' comes to mind straight away...

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/2012/06/nightmare-on-elm-street-2-freddys.html

What not a lot of people ever really say is that they like bad music. There are some slight exceptions: most people don't mind bad songs if they're Christmas songs, and many people have their "guilty pleasures", songs which are often from their childhood or youth, mainly from the 1980s it seems, which people still have an affection for, but don't want to admit they really like because they're not considered cool anymore (or ever were), so they hide behing a veil of irony and "school disco" nights at nightclubs.

I'm not interested in music that's just out-and-out bad (U2 and Coldplay take note). No, what I like is the music that shouldn't have been; the singles or albums that were vanity projects, or ill-advised wish-fulfillment. The projects that were designed to expand the brand. I'm talking about actors, models, TV presenters and reality stars who suddenly decide that they want to be pop stars or, in some cases, serious indie/emo rockers. I'm talking about the likes of Bruce Willis, Naomi Campbell and Paris Hilton; people who aren't going to let the fact that they can't sing or have any obvious music talent whatsoever get in the way of their dream to make an album.

Anyway, I've bought a bunch of such albums and will be doing posts all about them when I get the time...

In the meantime, here's Bruce Willis (and The Temptations) doing 'Under The Boardwalk'.

I don't know why The Temptations agreed to this. No, wait, they probably got paid a shitload of cash. Listen out for the especially cheesy backing music.

Side Project(s)

Come check out my other blog, where I collect together a bunch of good, bad and weird album covers:

http://666albumcovers.blogspot.com

Or come visit me on Tumblr:

http://faustblog.tumblr.com

Or Twitter:

http://twitter.com/mcfadden1978

Yeah I know the links are over on the right side of the page, but not everyone looks there.

Pulp: "His 'n' Hers"

Artist: Pulp

Album: His 'n' Hers

Released: 1994

I've listened to this album probably more than any other I've ever owned; I can even remember going uptown to buy it on my 16th birthday as a treat to myself. I listened to it so much that when Pulp's next album, 'Different Class', came out little over a year later, I didn't bother getting it for quite a while because I was still listening to this so much. It was seriously the soundtrack to my life for about two years.

There isn't really anything I can say about Pulp (on a blog!) that you probably don't already know; all I would say is that this is the definitive Pulp album (much better than 'Different Class', don't listen to anyone who says otherwise), and probably the best British album of the 1990s.

If you've not heard this (or any Pulp) album, here are (some of) the themes explored:

Joyriding, vandalism, women, lipgloss, cigarettes, sex, dreams, sex, listening to people have sex, hiding in wardrobes watching people have sex, sex, love, virginity, sex, a pink glove fetish, leather, jealousy, lingerie, love, summertime, friendship.

This might not be the best album you ever hear, but it will surely be one of the ones you love the most. Go and buy it now, if you don't already have it.

Best Song: Do You Remember The First Time?

Rating: 5/5

We're Not Going Home

So, England made it through to the Quarter Finals, much as I predicted. Though I didn't think we'd win the group, which we did after France got battered by Sweden.

So it's Italy up next... they're exactly the kind of team I didn't want England to play as they keep possession well and are defensively pretty strong, normally. I much prefer it when England play teams who give the ball away and are a defensive shambles. Like Ukraine. The Italy game has 0-0 written all over it.

Facts of the Day: Alan Shearer

The BBC's coverage of Euro 2012 has had mixed reviews so far, especially the performance of pundit Alan Shearer. Here are some facts you will need to know about the Geordie goal-hanger.

  

Howay lads. Gonay me burrs, etc.

* Alan was born with an extra foot.

* He was named after actress Moira Shearer; Alan's parents had hoped he would pursue a career in ballet.

* He practised penalties at school by kicking people in the head and imagining it was a football.

* In 1995, Alan celebrated the successful creosoting of his garden fence by winning the Premiership title for Blackburn.

* To keep himself entertained during interviews, Alan would surreptitiously quote song lyrics. When asked by John Motson at France '98 whether England had a chance of winning the World Cup, Alan replied: "Oompa loompa doompety doo, I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompety dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me Yes, I believe we can do it."

Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

With 'Men in Black 3' having just been released, Will Smith's upcoming films (as an actor), according to IMDB, include: 'Hancock 2', 'Bad Boys 3' and 'I, Robot 2'.

He is also listed as a producer for the upcoming 'Karate Kid 2'. And they say Hollywood has run out of ideas.

Euro 2012: England v. France

So this is it; England's first game of Euro 2012, against a French team unbeaten for either 21 or 24 games, depending upon which commentator or pundit is speaking about them. Here are the teams:

England: (4-4-1-1) Hart - Johnson, Terry, Lescott, Cole - Milner, Gerrard, Parker, Oxlade-Chamberlain - Young - Welbeck

France: (4-3-3) Lloris - Debouchy, Rami, Mexes, Evra - Cabaye, Diarra, Malouda - Nasri, Benzema, Ribery

All the England players sing the national anthem before the game with gusto. The commentator mispronounces 'La Marseillaise' as "La Marsellaise". Benzema and Ribery are first in the French line up and don't bother singing their anthem. The camera keeps cutting to them as they stand there in silence. I can't imagine that'll go down well in France. 

1 min: Kick off! England pass it around nicely but a pass is hit too hard for Oxlade-Chamberlain and goes out when he would have been clear.

3 min: France mess about with the ball until Oxlade-Chamberlain disposses Rami but his pass inside is blocked. England have started well.

4 min: France have the ball and are just faffing about with it again in defence.

8 min: France get a free kick wide on the right following a dive by Nasri... nothing comes of it. England go up the other end then get a throw in. Johnson gives the ball away.

9 min: France are faffing about again then give the ball away. England then give it them back and Ribery wins a corner. Hart spills the corner but England hoof it clear.

11 min: France come forward and Nasri shoots from 20 yards but spanners it a few yards wide.

12 min: Now England faff about until Hart hoofs it upfield. Welbeck wins a throw in. Gerrard touches the ball for the first time, putting Young in down the right, Evra trips him but doesn't get the free kick.

15 min: Young puts Milner through, he rounds the keeper... but spanners it wide with an open goal! That should be 1-0!

16 min: France go upfield and Cabaye gets a shot in on goal, but Hart saves. It's pretty even so far.

18 min: Oxlade-Chamberlain beats 2 playera and slips Young through... but he's offside.

20 min: Milner beats Evra down the right but his cross is blocked. Johnson's cross then goes over everyone for a throw. France seem to be playing a 5-5-0 formation; Diarra is staying back with the defence while evreyone else goes forward, but never into the box.

22 min: Welbeck goes down with an injured ankle after Rami lands on his ankle.

24 min: France come forward but balls up a good position on the edge of the box and have to settle for a throw down their right. France then get afurther 4 throw ins down the right before spannering a cross in straight to Hart when they had no-one in the box.

28 min: Welbeck beats Mexes down the right but he gets back to win the ball as Welbeck slips.

29 min: England get a free kick down the right...

30 min: ...and Lescott scores! England 1-0 France! That was a peach of a cross from Gerrard and Lescott just guided it in with his head from 6 yards out.

32 min: England attack again but Young's cross is overhit after a nice 1-2 with Welbeck.

34 min: Oxlade-Chamberlain gives away a free kick on England's left and gets a yellow card.

35 min: Hart saves Diarra's header from Nasri's free kick then Diarra heads wide.

36 min: France come again, but England break until Cabaye legs up Parker; he should've been booked for that but wasn't.

38 min: France have gone up a gear since England's goal, but because Benzema is dropping deep, they never have anyone in the box.

39 min: Nasri gets the ball 25 yards out... and scores! England 1-1 France! Hart should have saved it, it went in at the near post.

41 min: England break but Cabaye trips Cole as he attacks, he should've been booked again, but wasn't.

42 min: Ribery beats Gerrard down the right but his cross is knocked out for a corner...

43 min: ...which England clear, but give the ball away agin. England look shaken by France's equaliser and Ribery has started to get into the game now.

45 min: Cabaye's shoots from 35 yards but it's deflected out for a corner. Benzema breaks through but Hart blocks his shot for another corner.

45+1 min: Cabaye trips Ox but gets away with it again, no free kick! He's leading a charmed life, he should have been booked by now. Half time.

Half time: 1-1 is a fair score so far on the balance of play, but England should really be ahead, Milner missing a proper sitter. France dominated the end of the half after their equaliser. England need to get the ball to Ox, Young and Welbeck more, as they've looked good, whereas Gerrard has barely been in the game other than to put the cross in for the goal and Johnson and Milner look like weak links. France have had good positions but haven't been getting anyone in the box so have restricted themselves to long range shooting, from one of whic they scored.

46 min: And the second half is underway, no substitutions by either team. Parker gives the ball away.

49 min: France have had all the ball but haven't done anything... a weak back pass from England almost puts Nasri in but Hart blocks.

53 min: England keep good possession, Gerrard is tripped just outside the box... but nothing is given.

54 min: It's now England's turn to faff about with the ball in defence. We get a replay of the Gerrard trip and it was a definite foul, should've been given

58 min: Johnson is tripped by Ribery... but nothing is given again! The ref isn't giving anything against France. England have had a good last 5 mins.

59 min: England fans give ironic cheers as England get a goal kick awarded.

61 min: Ribery goes down injured after getting tackled, England carry on and get a corner.

62 min: Ribery gets up as soon as England get the corner, but nothing comes from it.

63 min: Chants of "The referee's a wanker" can be heard from the crowd as France get a free kick.

65 min: Benzema shoots from 30 yards but Hart saves. England then get a free kick and there's more ironic cheers.

66 min: Johnson gets the ball, cuts inside and shoots from 20 yards, but it balloons over.

70 min: France are coming forward again, but none of their players go within 20 yards of the goal. They have two shots blocked. Young fouls Benzema and is rightly booked.

73 min: Oxlade-Chamberlain bursts forward but is pushed over by Ribery, who isn't booked when he probably should have been. The free kick is wasted.

74 min: Nasri slips Benzema through but Johnson intercepts. England counter but Oxlade-Chamberlain gives the ball away when it's three-on-three.

76 min: Welbeck is clearly blocked but the ref gives nothing again.

77 min: Defoe comes on for Oxlade-Chamberlain to more chants of "the referee's a wanker". The much maligned Jordan Henderson comes on for Parker. Young goes wide left.

79 min: Ribery throws himself down and gets a free kick...

80 min: ...which is cleared then deflected behind for a corner. The corner is cleared to Cabaye, whose shot is deflected wide. Hart catches the resulting corner.

84 min: Henderson tackles Ribery cleanly but gets a free kick against him. France go forward and get another corner. France bring on Ben Arfa and Martin for Cabaye and Malouda, whose done nothing.

85 min: Nasri's corner is cleared, the ball comes to Benzema, whose shot is deflected out for a corner, which is cleared. France are pushing England back now.

90 min: Hart takes about 30 seconds on the ball before launching it downfield, which France head out. Walcott comes on for Welbeck, who's played well.

92 min: France have got the ball in midfield but seem happy just to keep possession... until Benzema lashes one from 30 yards straight at Hart. The full time whistle goes.

Full time: England 1-1 France

Summary: A fair result over all, both teams looking organised and tidy enough without really pushing for a winner in the second half. The ref had a bit of a 'mare and seemed to favour France on most decisions. I think both teams will be happy with a point and will fancy their chances of beating Sweden and Ukraine, who play later.

Euro 2012: Predictions (Final)

So I'm predicting a Spain v. Germany final. How brave I am. Who will win? I'm gonna go for Germany, partly because I think they've been the best team over the past year or so, but also because I'm a bit sick of seeing Spanish teams winning everything.

Also, I think Germany are probably the more exciting team to watch, whereas Spain's tiki-taka football gets a bit boring when they take the lead and just pass the ball endlessly without really trying to score. Germany are a bit more naive in that they just keep on attacking, trying to rip teams apart. Take that Spain!

Don't get me wrong, I want England to win the tournament, it's just that they don't stand a chance. Gotta be realistic about these things.

Euro 2012: Predictions (Semi Finals)

From my Quarter Final predictions...

Semi Final 1

Netherlands v. Spain

Prediction: Spain win

Semi Final 2

Germany v. France

Prediction: Germany win

Euro 2012: Predictions (Quarter Finals)

Taking my group stage predictions, it will mean that the following teams will be left...

Quarter Final 1

Russia v. Netherlands

Prediction: Netherlands win

Quarter Final 2

Germany v. Poland

Prediction: Germnay win

Quarter Final 3

Spain v. England

Prediction: Spain win

Quarter Final 4

France v. Croatia

Prediction: France win

Euro 2012: Predictions (Group Stage)

Euro 2012 (in Poland and Ukraine) has already started, Spain, Netherlands and Germany are the favourites. Here are my predictions for the group stages, the top 2 teams progressing to the knockout stage:

Group A

Teams: Czech Republic, Greece, Poland, Russia

Prediction: (1) Russia (2) Poland (3) Czech Republic (4) Greece

Group B

Teams: Denmark, Germany, Netherlands, Portugal

Prediction: (1) Germany (2) Netherlands (3) Denmark (4) Portugal

Group C

Teams: Croatia, Ireland, Italy, Spain

Prediction: (1) Spain (2) Croatia (3) Italy (4) Ireland

Group D

Teams: England, France, Sweden, Ukraine

Prediction: (1) France (2) England (3) Sweden (4) Ukraine