Naomi Campbell: "Babywoman"

Artist: Naomi Campbell

Album: Babywoman

Released: 1994

Intro: released to an unprepared world in 1994 to no acclaim, critical or otherwise, and a lot of bemusement, Naomi Campbell's debut (and to this day only) album was probably intended to cash-in on the supermodel craze of the time. Strangely, Cindy Crawford never bothered making an album.

The album was released by Epic (Sony), and features production credits by the likes of Youth and PM Dawn, and writing credits for people such as Gavin Friday, seemingly only "famous" because he's best mates with Bono.

On the CD is a sticker proclaiming: "INCLUDES THE HITS: 'Love and Tears' and 'I Want To Live'." It only reached number 75 in the British album chart, although it says on Wikipedia that it sold 1 million copies worldwide!!

Amongst the people thanked in the credits are: Linda Evangelista and Kyle Maclachlan, Johnny Depp, all four members of U2 indiviually and Robert De Niro. It also says: "To my assistant Carlton Gardner, thanks for everything." I don't know if he's one of the assistants she beat up or chucked a phone at.

Over at AllMusic, they don't even bother giving a written review to the album. They just give it two stars (out of five).

1. Love & Tears

And we're off! This was released as a single and reached number 40 in the singles chart, and features Chrissie Hynde on backing vocals. It starts with an Indian sound (tablas) and Naomi holds herself back on the singing... until about 1:40 into the song when she lets herself go! And it's worth the wait; she really can't sing. Later on, she starts talking. "Wipe away my tears, baby," she says. The music on this song ain't that bad but the singing is pretty lame. The Indian sound pre-dates Kula Shaker by two years; strange, everyone knows Kula Shaker invented Indian music. This song was truly ahead of its time. You can watch the video below.

2. I Want To Live

This song was also a "hit", apparently.  It sounds like an early 90s dance-pop song, kind of like an early Take That song. You know, that one where they writhe around oiled up or something. Anyway, this song is essentially just Naomi singing "I want to live" over and over again with the odd bit of talking. The singing is more restrained and less obviously bad.

3. Ride A White Swan

Yes, this is a cover of the Marc Bolan & T-Rex song. And yes it's lame. It sounds like a later Oasis song like 'Lyla', it's very monotonous. It sounds like she's singing the lyrics without ever having heard the original because the singing doesn't follow the melody. Either that, or she's a musical genius and she's come up with a new concept for a cover version: have the music stick to the original melody while the singing veers way off course.

4. Life Of Leisure

Bizarrely, this is another cover version. Of a Luscious Jackson song. 'Cus I'm sure Naomi's a big fan. The song starts with some noises that sound like someone getting cock-slapped in the face, repeatedly. You know what that sounds like, don't pretend that you don't. The music itself is very similar to the original, just a bit more uptempo. This is the sound of brilliance being shat on, of the mainstream copying the cool without understanding why it was cool in the first place.

5. Babywoman

Being the title track, you'd think this might be the best song yet. Well, you'd be completely wrong, as this is the worst so far. Over an early 90s r'n'b sound, Naomi sings some strange lyrics like "Come take a ride on my shiny paper moon", "I'm no Venus de Milo" and "living in a horse-shaped world". She also does more talking on this song, partly in French. "Je m'appelle Naomi, peace and love, it's a wonderful thing." Bizarre.

6. Looks Swank (Spooky)

Featuring a sample from a James Brown song, repeated about 500 times throughout the song (gotta get your money's worth), this features more talking, this time over a chilled-out hip hop beat. "Can't help myself, oh yeah," sings Naomi, apropos of nothing.

7. Picnic In The Rain

Continuing the hip hop sound, but with added piano (that sounds like the kind you get in a hotel lobby/restaurant), this features Naomi singing things like: "No-one ever tells me what to do or say." Musical powerhouses (and in no way one-hit wonders) PM Dawn gets a credit for additional production and remix. Essentially, the point of this song is that nothing can stop Naomi, not even rain when she's having a picnic.

8. When I Think About Love

PM Dawn get full production credits for this ballad, which features lots of finger-clicking and cheesy acoustic guitar. This is one of those types of songs that boybands sit on stools and pull strange hand movements when they sing it. Naomi sounds drunk on this one; it seems like a "one take then I'm off" kind of performance, like Krusty the Klown does on 'The Simpsons'. The one take isn't very good.

9. All Through The Night

This sounds like it has the exact same beat as the previous two songs, but with a cheesy synth-glockenspiel sound over the top. It also features the lyrics "All through the night, lay your head on my shoulder, make love to my mind" repeated about ten times throughout. Ten backing singers (one of which is apparently Luther Vandross) join in towards the end, at which point Naomi reaches for a high note. And fails.

10. Sunshine On A Rainy Day

The last song proper is a cover version of Zoe's hit from 1990/1991, a song still played on local radio stations to this day. Every day. Naomi gives up trying to sing in tune (it is the last song after all), finally, and finds her true voice as a drunk aunty at a karaoke night. The song drags on for 5:45...

11. I Want To Live (Reprise)

Like the original (track 2), this is basically just Naomi singing "I want to live" over some dance pop music with some added talking. The point of this is thet Naomi wants to live, I think.

Summary: this is an hilariously bad album, featuring some very generic music topped with some truly woeful singing, and laughable attempts at talking sexily during the songs. Unfortunately for Naomi, auto-tune wasn't invented until 1997. Definitely worth a listen for comedy value alone. I got this second hand on Amazon for £0.01 (+ postage of £1.26).

Rating: 0/5