Noggy, Wherefore Art Thou?

There used to be a crazy man in my town [Leek] called Noggy. He always used to walk around holding a radio, tuned in to BBC Radio Five. It was annoying much of the time, but quite handy on a Saturday afternoon, because you could hear the latest football scores.

No-one used to bother Noggy, they left him to his own devices. I don't know if he had any friends or a girlfriend. Do women find men who carry radios around with them attractive?

He disappeared once for a month or two, no-one saw or heard from him. "Where's Noggy?", people would say. "I want to know the score in the Wycombe-Darlington match. I've got a tenner on an away win."

You can't keep a good man down, of course. Noggy made his own comeback special. He returned; this time with a massive boom box.

The novelty began to wear off for many people. Walking aroung town with a little radio pumping out Radio Five is one thing, but holding a massive boom box at full volume soon gets annoying.

Noggy retired from public view soon after. I don't know how many people remember him or ever think of him,  but I do.  Maybe, millions of years from now, somewhere in the universe, there'll be an alien race with a massive telescope watching people on Earth. "Have you seen this? There's some weird-looking guy walking around a quaint English town centre holding a massive boom box."

Bottled Water

This water has filtered through the volcanoes of France and Italy for 4 billion years... Please use by 25 April 2012.

Victoria Williams: "Swing The Statue!"

Artist: Victoria Williams

Album: Swing the Statue!

Released: 1990

So, this was it: I had finally reached the end of my term. This was my last few hours as President. "Put on some Victoria Williams," I said to my driver, Bunny, as I climbed into the presidential automobile.

"We'll sure miss you, Sir," replied Bunny, as he slid 'Swing the Statue!' into the CD player.

We'd achieved a lot, of course. We brought peace and aid to some parts of the world, we (hopefully!) made society more egalitarian, we tried to make our country a better place to live. There was one big failure though: we'd hadn't managed to bring in universal healthcare.

Ironic, I thought to myself, that I should be listening to Victoria Williams right now: she's just the kind of person who would benefit from a health service for all. As a musician with no health care, and who happens to live with MS, she's reliant on help from charity to get the drugs that she can't afford to buy for herself. Otherwise she has to do without.

It was the rich, white, right-wingers of course, it always is; they're the ones who blocked my healthcare plans. People in the UK spend less on healthcare than we do, I'd tell them, and they all have free health care; about a fifth of our population have no health care whatsoever despite us spending much more. You're just a cock-munching commie bastard, they'd tell me. You're trying to bring scientology in through the back door, they'd say. I don't know why they said these things, but they did.

In the end, they won; people would rather believe rich, white folks who only pay about 15% income tax on the millions they earn, mainly from their family trusts, than believe me. If that's what the people here want then fuck 'em: I'll go and live in England, where folks are suspicious of rich, white, male politicians, and where I can get free healthcare, regardless of race, religion or wealth. That sounds like the place for me.

"Pull over here, Bunny," I said as the car came near to my house. "And keep the CD. The way things are going, you're going to need Victoria Williams in your life much more than I do."

Best Song: On Time

Rating: 5/5

Sherlock

Watching the excellent 'Sherlock' on BBC One recently reminds me of the time I was 'talk of the town' for solving a murder.

I was doing work experience with Staffordshire Police in 199X and they let me go to murder scenes, mainly to make sure there was a plentiful supply of coffee and muffins. After this particular murder, the Police Officers let me go into the drawing room (in the castle where the murder had taken place) where all the suspects were gathered.

"Why don't you have this one," Detective Shanks said to me, patting me on the back. I quickly seized up the supects. Could it be the jealous wife? The mistress? The mistress's husband? The camp butler? I remebered the old saying that "it's always the one you least suspect"...

"The vicar did it," I said, turning and pointing to Reverend Jones, who was standing behind me playing table tennis with a young boy.

"That's ridiculous!" the vicar replied, looking around the drawing room, seeking support. A look of sadness then befell his face. "OK, fair cop guv, you got me..." he said. A look of defiance flashed upon his face. "And I'd do it again if I had to!" he said, shaking his fist in anger.

"Well done, dude," Detective Shanks said to me. Everyone crowded around to congratulate me, hugging me, giving me high-fives. At that moment, I was literally 'the man'. But as this was happening, the vicar climbed through an open window and escaped.

"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" the vicar shouted to us as he sped away on a scooter.

And the vicar was right, the Police never did take him alive. He crashed head on into a hovercraft just minutes later, his pitiful life ended. It took some of the shine off my glory, as far as I was concerned, but made it more exciting for everyone else. It was at that moment I decided solving murders wasn't for me; I would take French at A-Level instead.

SO... YOU'RE PREGNANT

You're a married woman. You do your housework like a good woman should, you visit church like a good christian, and you laid down on your back and opened your legs when you're husband told you to.

The result of this is that you've been paid a visit by the baby fairy. (Not literally.) Our step-by-step guide will make the following nine months be pleasant for your husband, and won't distract him from going to the bar, watching sport on TV or have an affair with his secretary.

* You're married. raising children is your responsibility, not your husband's.

* Make sure your husband isn't a commie. (See our guidance in "SO... YOU THINK YOU KNOW A COMMIE".) If he is, then your child will be also. Visit a government representative who will help you.

* Congratulate your husband on his efficient sperm.

* Switch to Borrow's Pregnancy Cigarettes - they contain more tar and nicotine so that both you and your child won't miss out on some smokey goodness.

* You're eating for two now, so eat twice as much as normal.

* Take it easy at home. Spend longer doing housework so that you can do it more carefully.

* Go to antenatal classes so that your your husband can sleep safely assured that you know about giving birth.

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This is public information.

Sponsored by Borrow's Cigarettes.

Serial Killers

Is it just me or do a lot of serial killers and nutters seem to wear glasses?

Not that I'm suggesting that anyone who wears glasses is also a (potential) serial killer, I'm just saying keep an eye on any glasses-wearers you know.

Too Much Information

Some things you just don't want to know about. Like the sex life of "comedy" double act The Krankies, for example. Especially when it involves all weird swinging and circus acts and stuff.

For anyone who doesn't know who The Krankies are (and I envy you), they are a Scottish husband-and-wife double act, where the 4ft 5in wife plays a naughty schoolboy. Yes, a schoolboy. If you want to know more, then...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075996/The-Krankies-admit-secret-swingers-Not-fan-dabi-dozi.html

I'd also like to point out I hate The Daily Mail. Don't want anyone to think I ever read it, I just saw a link to the story and thought I'd share it. Because I'm like that.

2011: Faves

Albums

(1) Lykke Li, "Wounded Rhymes"

(2) St. Vincent, "Strange Mercy"

(3) Anna Calvi, "Anna Calvi"

(4) Laura Marling, "A Creature I Don't Know"

(5) Gillian Welch, "The Harrow and the Harvest"

Podcasts

(1) The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver (TimesOnline)

(2) SModcast, Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier (SModcast.com)

(3) The Adam and Joe Show, Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish (BBC 6Music)

(4) Sound Opinions, Jim DeRogatis and Greg Kot (WBEZ Chicago)

(5) Fighting Talk (BBC 5Live)

Radio

Hawksbee and Jacobs, talkSPORT

Songs

(1) Anna Calvi, 'Blackout'

(2) Laura Marling, 'Sophia'

(3) Alice Gold, 'Runaway Love'

(4) Emmy the Great, 'Dinosaur Sex'

(5) Laura Cantrell, 'Kitty Wells Dresses'

TV

(1) The Killing [Forbrydelsen], BBC Four

(2) The Killing II [Forbrydelsen II], BBC Four

(3) Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, BBC Two

(4) Spiral III [Engrenages III], BBC Four

(5) Fresh Meat, Channel 4

Highlight of the Year

Man Utd winning their 19th league title! Take that Liverpool you shit-munchers!