Adventure Time

The big adventure of my week was my trip to Tesco in Hanley, a magical place filled with wonder and excitement. And tinned foods.

Lost in a myriad of aisles, like pews in a church of capitalism, I ventured forth, purchasing foodstuffs and snacks. Which you probably can't do in a church, though I may be wrong, and often am. I wasn't ready to go into the clothing section or opticians and don't know if I ever will be. That was a step too far.

The temple of doom

Some people seemed to find it hard to grasp the concept of a "baskets only" checkout. In front of me in that queue were two different women with fairly full trollies, certainly containing more than you can fit into a basket. The checkout woman still served them. I don't know why. I would have let them get to the counter then told them to go a checkout that takes trollies.

The woman directly in front of me in the queue purchased four items: vodka, wine, paracetamol, ibuprofen. Now there's a woman who knows what she wants.

I paid for my items in cash. As I left the store, rays of sun hit me, waking me to the reality of the real world. I went back to work, my adventure now just a memory to use when I'm short on ideas for blog posts.

The Now Obligatory Food Review Post

Food blogs are pretty popular right now (I have no evidence of this), so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.

I had a chil(l)i con carne yesterday for the first time in over a decade. I enjoyed it a lot. It was a part of Uncle Ben's microwavable food range. I've not kept the cardboard outer packaging, so I can't comment on the ingredients; there was definitely rice, almost certainly some chilies, maybe some cocoa, some of those big, dark red beans and a brown coloured sauce.

I can't really compare the taste to that of other chili con carnes as, like I've already stated, it's the first one I've had in years. The rice was slightly drier than I'd have liked, but that may have been my own fault for cooking them for too long in the microwave.

The meal went down great with a bag of cheese and onion discos and a mug of tea, which is probably the way it is meant to be eaten by whichever culture or civilisation invented the dish. A triumph.

Highlight Of The Week

My highlight of this past week was definitely seeing a drunk guy get arrested on the bus.

It's not the first time I've ever seen police officers get on a bus I've been on (that's another story for another time) but was the briefest.

It started when some drunk guy (whom I shall call Frank Sinatra) got on the bus and loudly asked the driver if he'd let him on for free as he'd lost his wallet. After some badgering, the driver let him on, for which the drunk guy thanked him loudly and repeatedly as the bus pulled away.

A couple of minutes later, the bus pulled over at a stop at which no-one was waiting. The bus waited for a few minutes until a police car arrived. The driver had obviously called it in, rather sneakily.

Two police officers got on the bus and arrested Frank Sinatra. He put up a struggle for a few seconds then accepted his fate. He was arrested for criminal damage, something he must have done (if he did - innocent until proven guilty and all that) before he got on the bus. He didn't say anything to the driver who had turned him in as he was marched off.

The bus pulled away and no-one on the fairly full bus said anything. I don't know what happened to Frank Sinatra and I won't be following the local court news to find out. In my imagination, he'll break out of the police station and go on the rampage around Stoke, killing thousands of innocent civilians. I'll be able to tell my story on the inevitable documentary that will be on Channel Five.

Shirts vs Skins

When I use the bus, I like to imagine some of the other passengers are celebrities. Which celebrities they are is based loosely on who they look like. Today, for example, a larger woman with a sour face and short blonde hair became Pat Butcher. The woman sitting next to her was Bette Midler. The bus was mainly full of old women this morning. We were going to be guests on Paul O'Grady's show.

Sometimes we are go to a glamorous movie premiere, sometimes we just go over to Clooney's house to hang out. Lou Diamond Phillips (my nickname for him is "the Diamond") has us round to shoot some hoops (always shirts vs skins). Judge Reinhold hosts awesome pool parties. Jeremy Irons is a whizz at charades. I won't say what happens when we go to Charlie Sheen's place.

Hulk Hogan Germany

In Germany on the school exchange programme, one of my friends, who I will call Kenny Rogers, went to a birthday party with his German exchange partner. Sadly, my exchange partner Felix wasn't invited so I didn't get to go. Entertainment at the party was not a magician, nor someone making balloon animals. No, there was a German Hulk Hogan lookalike, who operated under the name Hulk Hogan Germany. And not Hulk Hogan Deutschland as you might expect.

I don't know if Hulk Hogan Germany was an officially licensed lookalike. Or if such a thing exists. Kenny Rogers never asked; it would almost certainly have been my first question had I been there. Yes or no, my response would have been "Awesome" in a Beavis and Butt-Head stylee. My second question would have asked why isn't he called Hulk Hogan Deutschland.

I don't know if Hulk Hogan Germany was a body builder anyway, and someone said to him one day, "Hey, you kinda look like Hulk Hogan," or if he bulked himself up to look like Hulk. I don't know if he was bald either, or shaved his head to look bald (now that would be commitment), or just never took off the bandana so you can't tell. There are more questions than answers here, that's for sure, and Kenny Rogers has never given me adequate responses to my many requests for informaton. If I ever get a time machine, going back and getting answers to these questions will be a priority.

Always A Pencil And Never A Pen

I was always slightly envious of those kids at school who always turned up without a bag. They normally kept a small pencil in their pocket (always a pencil and never a pen), generally from a betting shop or Argos, that they would use if they ever needed to write their name on anything, or to stab someone a bit on the arm.

These kids were of course the bullies, or the really stupid kids who were mates with the bullies. I wasn't envious of their lifestyle, nor did I want to end up in prison at any point in my life as they invariably would do, I just liked the fact that they didn't have to carry a bag around all day. Got pretty annoying to be honest.

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

I sometimes set myself goals at work. Not involving my actual work, that would be boring.

Yesterday my goal was to convince someone that if you planted crisps in the ground, you can grow potatoes. I can't say for certain that I succeeded but I certainly got at least one person giving it some serious thought.

Yesterday was also one of the most famous Beatles songs, though one of the more boring ones in my opinion. Sometimes when I listen to songs, I like to imagine my own music video to go with it. For 'Yesterday', I always imaging something in black and white with Anna Karina in it.

Now Anna Karina was one of the most awesome French actresses, perhaps even the most awesome French actress, even though she's really Danish. There are literally thousands of pictures of her on Tumblr looking beautiful and cool and often smoking cigarettes (like French actresses have a tendency to do in photographs). I know this because I've reblogged many of them to my own page.

And as for Tumblr…

My Tumblr Porn Blog Hell

If nothing else, the above is probably the best title of any blog post I've ever done.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that I'm on Tumblr. Nor to say that it's probably the best social network website. Mainly because you can be on it, have fun and not have to have any interactions with anyone else on there if you don't want to.

Anyway, I'm the restless sort who likes to change their theme and blog title on a semi-regular basis. I don't want anyone looking at pictures of French actresses or whatever I post (it's mainly French actresses to be honest) on my Tumblr to get bored if they come back for repeat viewings.

One thing I never changed, until a few months ago, was the blog address. I was quite happy with faustblog.tumblr for well over a year since I joined. Eventually though, I got bored of that too and changed it.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was at a loose end and thought I'd check out my old address to see if anyone else had taken it. It turns out someone had. Someone with an interest in pictures of women with big tits. 

If you really want to, you can see it here if you must. I just want to make it clear that it has nothing to do with me.

Let's Play In Our Pants!

On the subject of impromptu games of football, I remember one game in particular. It was the summer of 1999, and some friends (who I shall call John, Paul, George, Ringo, Pete and Yoko) and I had got tickets to see 'Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace' for a Sunday evening showing.

We had decided to make a day of it. We went to Yoko's house for an afternoon barbecue. I clearly remember dropping two plates in the kitchen and breaking them. Good times.

Being big Star Wars fans, we were pretty pumped up for the new film. Pete had got a football out and started to do some tricks. Did we have time for a game? Yes, we did. However, we were dressed up somewhere between formal and casual, we didn't want to get grass stains on our clothes. Let's play in our pants! Yes, that makes perfect sense.

I don't remember whose idea it was to play in just our pants (it wasn't mine), but we did so anyway. After a while, you get used to it anyway, and it seems like the most normal thing in the world. Which of course, it is. A good time was had by all, but we were all sweaty now with muddy feet. Time for showers.

Even though it was Yoko's house, and he had two showers, he was the last one in. I remember him being fairly pissed off about this.

We got to the cinema and watched the film. It sucked and it destroyed our childhood. Still, the day has some good memories at least.

Witness Relocation

If I ever get to see a mob hit, then testify in court in exchange for witness protection and have to be relocated (and I hope to one day), I'd want to live on the coast somewhere.

I want a place not too close to a lighthouse, but not too far away either. On summer evenings, I'd invite locals over to play football in the garden. The lighthouse would make a useful though intermittent floodlight if any games went on into the night.

Afterwards we would retire to my study for brandy. We would have a good laugh and tell stories of great goals we've scored over the years, but lament our now decaying bodies and dodgy knees.

I've tried to increase my chances of this happening by spying on people I determine to be potential murderers and mob bosses, but so far nothing. I shall keep on the case.

Saturday Morning Film Club News

As founder, president and treasurer (amongst other honorary and hereditary titles) of the Saturday Morning Film Club, I am pleased to announce the acquisition of a Blu-Ray player.

The player was broken in with an out-of-season showing of 'This Is Spinal Tap' (on Wednesday night) to put it through its paces.

This was not classed as an official Film Club event as it was a private screening for board members only. And not on a Saturday morning.

As the film club does not own any Blu-Ray movie discs, films will continue to be screened from DVDs, though they will now be upscaled using the Blu-Ray player's inbuilt technology. I don't know how it works but it does.

The Day We Caught The Bus

I missed the bus to work this morning. There was another one like twenty minutes later so it wasn't a big deal.

As I had fifteen minutes or so to kill, I went for a walk around the town centre. It was eerily quiet at 8am, barely a soul around, like something from '28 Days Later'. But in a small market town rather than London.

Leek, this morning

The only shop I saw open was a butchers. This only added to the spooky atmosphere. Why does a butcher need to open up at 8am? And if there were zombies, this would surely attract them.

I quickly retreated to the safety of the bus station, and took my place next to the pregnant woman smoking a cigarette and the guy who looked like a pervert and/or serial killer. This is my town and these are my people.

The Receipt Of Happiness

Looking through receipts makes me unashamedly nostalgic. It makes me think things like: remember the time I bought the Haim album (on day of release) and Season One of 'Girls' at the same time? Good times. Or even: remember how excited I was when I got the newly remastered 1962-1966 and 1967-1970 Beatles compilations (they sound slightly sharper than the previous CDs I had that cost a fraction of the price). Admittedly, most of the receipts I keep are from HMV so this is the kind of nostalgia I get. The receipts are generally chucked in the top drawer in the chest of drawers north-north-west in my room (you know the one) and get sorted through about once every six months, so I get a lot of this in a short space of time.

Occasionally, the memories are bad: like the time I bought the two disc special edition of the film 'Rust And Bone' and opened it (some months later – after the receipt would have expired) to find only one disc there (the bonus disc was nowhere to be found). I am still bitter about this. I could be positive and say at least I can still watch the film as I got the main disc. But no, I'm naturally negative and I really wanted to see those bonus features such as the exclusive BAFTA Q&A with Marion Cotillard, and to see if the director's comments are conducted in French with subtitles, over clips of the already subtitled film. I guess I'll never know now.

Saturday Morning Film Club

I started my own film club that meets on Saturday mornings. I'm the only member so far and new members are not really welcome, though exceptions my be made for pretty women if the membership agrees to it.

The club convenes at around 10:15. This is because I get up at 10:00 then need time to use the bathroom, feed the dog, make a cup of tea then check out the football transfer gossip on BBC teletext before the showing can commence.

The first film shown at the club was 'Prometheus', a few months ago. The showing was such a success, with 100% attendance from members, that it lead to the formation of the club we all know and love today. There was a slight intermission about 75 minutes into 'Prometheus' for refreshments but that didn't ruin anyone's enjoyment of the film.

Subsequent films have included works of high art such as 'Footloose' (the original version), 'The Cabin In The Woods' and 'A Scanner Darkly'. 'House At The End Of The Street' and 'The Hunger Games' were shown on successive weeks during what's now become known as "Jennifer Lawrence Season".

The films are selected mainly by what's in the big pile of unwatched DVDs I have on top of the bookcase in the north-west of my bedroom. You know the one.

Today's film is 'The Runaways', which I'm watching right now. It's half decent. Next week's film has yet to be decided, though a brief count lists about 18 possible choices.

I'm Back, Baby

Not been on here for a while. In my absence my blog has had literally millions of views (erm...). No, I've been busy joining the 21st Century.

Firstly, I signed up for Spotify and used it about twice. Still counts.

Secondly, I also joined Netflix (via PS3). I've used it mainly for '24', 'Archer' and 'Portlandia'. Saved me a fortune in not having to buy DVD box sets.

I got a new phone too. It's not a smart phone, I'm not that up-to-date, and I don't need access to the internet all day long, but I can still use it for Twitter via text message. The things they can do nowadays, amazing.

That's about it, pretty much got the 21st Century sewn up now, I can take it easy for the next 87 years or so.

Battlefield 3

Platform: PS3

Released: 2011

So I got a PS3 recently (only about 6 years after it was released) and have been using it a fair amount as you might expect.

One of the games I was most eager to play was 'Battlefield 3', partly to see how good it is, partly also to compare it to 'Call of Duty' games. Battlefield players/fans, it seems to me at least, make a point of dissing Call of Duty games online more regularly than the other way around; common arguments (that Battlefield fans make) are that Battlefield games are more realistic and more team-based, whereas Call of Duty are games where people run around shooting aimlessly; or that Call of Duty is played by 12-year-olds while Battlefield has a mature fanbase; you get the idea.

I'll start off with the single player campaign; the story follows a fairly standard (in my experience) structure for first person shooters where the protaganist (Blackburn) is being questioned, and relates the story in flashback about how/why he got to where he is now. You get to play as Blackburn in some of the missions, and some other characters along the way as well.

One of the USPs of Battlefield games is that you get to use tanks, aircraft, vehicles etc; this seemed exciting in principal, but in the game itself, you only get one mission in a tank, one in a plane, and that's about it.

Another feature is that the game features dynamic maps, i.e. the environment is destructible and breaks up when shot/blown up etc. This feature works well in the game and adds an extra level of strategy to some sections as you can't just hide behind the same thing for too long as it might get destroyed; as I may have hinted there, this is fairly limited though, you can noticeably shoot lots of stuff in the game (like signs etc) and they don't destroy at all, they just show bullet marks.

As for the story itself, it's fairly standard, and I found most of the characters rather bland; certainly compared to the two 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' games, which featured several memorable characters, it was below par. The best character is a Russion agent called Dima; the two missions where you get to play as him are the most exciting in the game.

I should mention the controls here as they affect the campaign and multiplayer; I find it strange that the PS3 controller features two trigger buttons (L2 and R2) but the games makers have chosen instead to utilise the L1 and R1 buttons as the ADS and trigger buttons. Added to the low PS3 analogue sticks, I found this quite uncomfortable at times as it cramps your fingers a bit.

As for the multiplayer, I found this to be quite good fun, though in comparison to COD, seems very limited. For starters, there's far fewer game modes than COD, and most of the ones here are just different forms of Team Deathmatch, which, in my opinion is always the most boring game mode in FPS games.

There's also far less customisation than on COD. There's only four classes available, and it takes quite a while to level any of the classes up, leaving you with essentially the same four choices of loadout for a considerable period of playing time.

There's noticeably fewer maps to; there's only nine, compared to COD which has anywhere from fourteen to eighteen. This isn't too much of a problem in the short-term, but can get a bit boring after you've played on the same few maps quite a few times. That said, the maps are much bigger than on COD games, so it does give them a little more life. (You can of course pay over the odds for some more maps.) The bigger maps do pose some problems; while they are needed to enable the use of aircraft and vehicles, it also means you often spawn miles from the action, leading to a frustrating few minutes while you run across the map to get back into the game.

One feature of the multiplayer is that it allows players to rent (and control) their own servers. This is very expensive (at $30 per month), though if people can afford it, it's their choice I suppose. The problem with this is that the server-owners have complete control over the game, meaning they can (and do) kick players, switch teams around and generally do what they want. I've been kicked three times from games, even though I've always abided by the "rules" set out at the start of those matches. On each occasion, the team I was on was winning; take from that what you will. 

Overall, Battlefield 3 is a good game, no doubt, let down slightly by a rather mundane campaign, occasionally awkward controls and a lack of customisation options in the multiplayer section. I don't find it to be as enjoyable as any COD games I've played, though that's not to say it's without merit. For players who want slower-paced games on larger maps, with aircraft/vehicles etc, it's the better choice. For me, I prefer the faster pace and greater variation of COD. I would still be interested in playing future Battlefield games, though I will be getting the new COD game ('Ghosts') as a priority.

Rating: 3/5

St. Elmo's Fire

Director: Joel Schumacher

Writers: Joel Schumacher, Carl Kurlander

Starring: Emilio Estevez, Rob Lowe, Ally Sheedy, Andrew McCarthy

Released: 1985

The Brat Pack grow up! About a group of friends trying to adjust to life after university, this film guides us through the trials, tribulations, hook-ups, break-ups and general fuck-ups of the friends.

If my description makes this sound like an interesting film, then I apologise, because this is truly fucking awful. I never cared for any of the 80s Brat Pack films anyway, but this might well be one of the worst of them, which is really saying something.

I don't know where to begin on describing all the shit things about this film, but I'll give it a go. The characters are all whiny, selfish bitches; each one is like a two dimensional cardboard cut-out of a different type of person, from the selfish yuppie to the virginal, caring, homely, blonde woman. I can't for one minute believe that these people would be friends with one another. Almost all the actors in this film are terrible, especially Emilio Estevez as the weird stalker-type(!) and Demi Moore as a coked-up yuppie(!) with a step-mother fixation(!); only Andrew McCarthy and Ally Sheedy aren't instantly stabbable.

The film is also really badly made, it looks like a cheap shit TV movie, the kind that you watch and think, "I could make a better looking film by drawing pictures on my cock and shaking it about and filming it." Seriously, bad episodes of Murder, She Wrote look better than this. The music made me want to punch myself in the ears, particularly the seemingly hundreds of scenes featuring Rob Lowe playing the saxophone, which no-one needs to see or hear, especially with the offensive mullet he's sporting.

I could go on, but I don't want to kill myself. At least not until I get to play on the forthcoming WiiU. The only value in watching this film is to turn the sound down and look at how shit the haircuts and clothes are. Even then you would still hate it and yourself and will want to invent a time machine and go back to the 1980s and kill a load of people with big guns. Joel Schumacher might well be the worst film director ever and I hope bad things happen to him.

Rating: 0.5/5

The Fifth Element

Director: Luc Besson

Writers: Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

Starring: Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Ian Holm, Gary Oldman

Released: 1997

In this film, there's some aliens, some stones, a perfect person, some more aliens... I could describe the film properly but it would make my brain bleed. Essentially, some evil wants to destroy Earth, a "perfect" being is saved by Bruce Willis and a priest, and they must work together to stop the evil.

I can remember when this film came out; word got around amongst people I knew that this was going to be the best sci-fi film ever because it took the best elements from Star Wars, Blade Runner, etc, and was going to be all put together to be totally awesome!

Sadly, this is far from the actual truth. This is actually a phenomenally terrible film. The (pointless) rip-offs are endless, and go way beyond the idea of being homages, especially from Star Wars, from Ian Holm's character being dressed like Obi Wan Kenobi to the design of the spaceships. The dialogue is consistently terrible, most of the characters are deeply annoying (especially those played by Gary Oldman and Chris Tucker), the story is stupid and messy, the music is shit and the humour is crass and unfunny. The whole film is structured and acted like a farce, but not a very good one.

The only saving grace of this film is that, when it's not shamelessly ripping off other (and better) films, it is actually quite impressive visually. The set design and special effects are largely excellent and inventive; it's actually quite strange to see such a bright sci-fi film, with a colour scheme being full of white, orange and light blues.

This film could best be described as being elegant trash, which might seem fun, but sadly isn't in this case. It's terrible.

Rating: 1/5

Casino

Director: Martin Scorsese

Writers: Nicholas Pileggi, Martin Scorsese

Starring: Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci

Released: 1995

Martin Scorsese, he knows how to make gangster films, right? He's done this, Goodfellas, erm, Gangs of New York, erm, The Departed... OK, maybe he's not done as many as I thought.

Set in Las Vegas in the 1970s and 80s, the film tells the story of Sam Rothstein (De Niro), who runs a casino (the clue's in the film's title), mob enforcer Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci) and Rothstein's wife Ginger (Sharon Stone).

Rothstein runs the said casino successfully, but things start to go wrong when his mob bosses send Santoro as his protection; Santoro quickly spirals out-of-control, creating a multitude of problems for Rothstein, especially when he decides to start his own crew and committing robberies and killing off rivals.

At the same time, Rothstein falls for Ginger, a hustler under the spell of a former boyfriend (James Woods). Despite marrying and having a daughter, Ginger is never committed to Rothstein and turns to drink and drugs.

I have a lot of problems with this film. Firstly, the entire film seems to be told in flashback (for no obvious reason), with constant voice-overs from De Niro and Pesci. These get especially annoying when introducing seemingly every single character in much the way that happens in terrible Guy Ritchie films ("Pistol Pete was a stand-up guy who's just done a six-point for hitting a judge with a purple dildo" etc). The constant voice-overs tell the entire story, leaving a lot of scenes redundant. Maybe my view of this has been warped by years of terrible cockney gangster films that have used this trick to death, but it doesn't make it any less bad that it was done here before films that were influenced by it.

Rating: 1/5

Premier League Predictions

The new football season starts today. Here are my traditionally terrible predictions.

1. Man City

2. Chelsea

3. Man Utd

4. Arsenal

5. Tottenham

6. Liverpool

7. Everton

8. Swansea

9. West Ham

10. Southampton

11. Fulham

12. Aston Villa

13. Sunderland

14. Norwich City

15. West Brom

16. Stoke City

17. Hull City

18. Cardiff City

19. Newcastle Utd

20. Crystal Palace

FA Cup: Chelsea

League Cup: Chelsea

Champions League: Barcelona

I've gone for Citeh to win as I think they have the strongest squad, although obviously I don't want them to win. As a United fan, I'd just about be happy with third in Moyes's first season in charge, assuming we don't bring in any big names before the end of the transfer window (like Fabregas or Ozil). I still think Arsenal will get their annual fourth place, despite Spurs strengthening over the summer, and I can't see Liverpool doing anything special owing to the terrible collection of defenders they have.

Controversially, I have gone for Newcastle to get relegated. They ended last season really badly, and I predict that to continue, followed by Pardew to get sacked, then Joe Kinnear to get put back in charge. That won't end well. As much as I like Ian Holloway, they have a very weak squad, and I can't see Cardiff doing anything either.

Given Mourinho's record in the past, I can see him going all out in the cups, which is why I think Chelsea will win both, and I think Barcelona will come back strong in the Champions League this year with the signing of Neymar.

To Me

The Man Who Knew Too Much

Director: Alfred Hitchcock

Writer: John Michael Hayes

Starring: James Stewart, Doris Day

Released: 1956

A remake of one of Hitchcock's own earlier British films, The Man Who Knew Too Much features an American family, the McKennas, who start the film on holiday in Morocco.

The family befriends a mysterious Frenchman, Louis Bernard, who later dies in Dr McKenna's (Stewart) arms, but not before whispering a message about a murder plot in London to him. The family are then plunged into a nightmare situation they don't really understand when a British couple staying at their hotel kidnaps the family's son, Hank.

With little help from the authorities, Dr and Mrs McKenna (Day) go to London to try and find their son themselves. There, they get caught up in a plot to kill a visiting Prime Minister by the people who took their son.

This film was made by Hitchcock as a contractual obligation, and it shows at times. The film seems unfocused and crawls along at a slow pace, and the standard of acting in the film (Stewart aside) is not the best. The plot is quite thin (especially for a film that lasts for 2 hours), and is not packed with the usual twists and thrills that you would expect from a Hitchcock film. The (pre-)finale involving the conclusion of the murder plot at the Royal Albert Hall (actually filmed in LA) is the highlight of the film, but is then spoiled by a mediocre second finale at an embassy where the McKennas go to get their son back.

Overall, this is one of Hitchcock's worst films. Despite the efforts of James Stewart, it is badly acted by almost everybody in the film, badly plotted (the whole film seems to involve an improbable series of good/bad coincidences, depending on how you look at them), and is actually quite boring. This is barely worth watching unless you're a Hitchcock or Stewart fanatic.

Rating: 2/5

Go

Director: Doug Liman

Writer: John August

Starring: Sarah Polley, Katie Holmes, Desmond Askew

Released: 1999

In the wake of Pulp Fiction, it seemed like a whole bunch of low budget/indie films were made containing several intertwining stories, shown out of chronological order. Fortunately, Go is one of the better ones.

The film centres on three supermarket workers, Ronna (Sarah Polley), Claire (Katie Holmes) and Simon (Desmond Askew). Simon is a small time drug dealer who goes on a trip to Las Vegas; in his absence, Ronna sees a chance to make some money by selling ecstasy to two actors (who, unbeknownst to her, are being forced to buy drugs as part of a police sting). Needless to say, Simon's trip to Vegas doesn't go to plan, nor does Ronna's plan to make some quick money.

Shown in four parts, the first three parts showing the story from a different character's point of view, then a final fourth part bringing all the stories together, Go is a fast, slick and funny thriller, which only occasionally gets too silly or unrealistic (see the paragrah below). Sarah Polley is excellent as the cashier desperate to make some money to pay her overdue rent, as is William Fichtner as the strange policeman forcing the two gay actors to take part in his sting operation to be let off their own drug possession charges. Timothy Olyphant is also good in a role as the drug supplier who Ronna buys her drugs from.

The weak part of the film is the story of Simon's trip to Las Vegas with some friends; it's the least interesting and funny part of the film, and leads to an unlikely conclusion involving gangsters(!). It's sillier and consequently out-of-step with the other parts of the film, and could have been left out in my opinion.

Overall, this is a fun movie. The cast is largely very good (except in the Las Vegas section), and is much better than most other Tarantino/Pulp Fiction clones.

Rating: 3/5

Question Of The Day

When Spanish criminals from the Costa del Sol go on the run, do they go to Essex?

Ice-T

It’s funny how every few years, Lipton tries to break their iced tea line in Britain. It never works though.

There I was in Hanley, daydreaming about whether it'll be a good idea or not to build a statue of myself in Animal Crossing New Leaf, when I saw people in yellow t-shirts, probably students, giving out free samples of Lipton's signature beverage. (These same people variously give out flyers for nightclubs or try to get you to sign up for charity donations, depending on who pays them.)

I kept my head down and tried to march past them when one of them got me. Should I say something? Make an excuse? No, I just shrugged my shoulders and walked on, looking (and feeling) sheepish.

I can see how Lipton tries this, Britain is a tea loving country, and you'd think the product would work here. I guess we're just not ready for the iced version of tea.

Tom Cruise vs Will Smith

I had a dream the other night that I was in a car with Tom Cruise (he was driving) and as we were pulling into a parking space at the Co-Op, Will Smith drove up and stole the space. Cruise was pretty crestfallen about this.

I told him he should use his influence on Smith. "What influence?" Cruise asked. "Well, the fact that you're higher in the Church of Scientology than he is," I said to him.

Cruise got out and went over to Will Smith as he was getting out of his car looking pretty pleased with himself (as he often does). Cruise whispered something in his ear (I don't know what), and the cheesy grin was wiped from Smith's face. He got back into his car and moved away. Cruise came back and we took the space with text-book parking. We high-fived.

I don't know, or want to know, what this dream means. And no, I'm not gay.

Premier League Predictions: Revisited

Like all football fans, I know more than anyone else. That's why, last August, I made my predictions for the season just commencing (and having now just finished). So how did I do?

Well I got the top 5 of Man Utd, Man City, Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham in the correct order. And not much else. I rightly predicted Wigan and Reading to get relegated but pretty much everything else at least slightly wrong. Here are my predictions and the actual results in brackets:

1. Man Utd (CORRECT)

2. Man City (CORRECT)

3. Chelsea (CORRECT)

4. Arsenal (CORRECT)

5. Tottenham (CORRECT)

6. Liverpool (Everton)

7. Newcastle Utd (Liverpool)

8. Everton (West Brom)

9. Sunderland (Swansea)

10. Swansea (West Ham)

11. Aston Villa (Norwich)

12. Stoke City (Fulham)

13. West Ham (Stoke City)

14. Fulham (Southampton)

15. West Brom (Aston Villa)

16. QPR (Newcastle Utd)

17. Norwich (Sunderland)

18. Wigan (CORRECT)

19. Southampton (Reading)

20. Reading (QPR)

FA Cup: Man City (Wigan)

League Cup: Chelsea (Swansea)

Champions League: Barcelona (Bayern Munich)

Black Hawk Down

Director: Ridley Scott

Writer: Ken Nolan

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Eric Bana, Ron Eldard

Released: 2001

Black Hawk Down tells the story of an American operation to capture a Somali warlord who has declared war on UN personnel in Mogadishu. During the operation, the titular helicopter is shot down, and in the resulting chaos, and actions by the Somali militia, the various groups of soldiers are separated and must fight for their lives until help can arrive.

This film is a visual masterpiece, never has a war film been this brutal or intense. Featuring a stellar cast (Ewan McGregor, Jason Isaacs, Tom Hardy, William Fichtner and Sam Shephard - to name but a few of the actors here with lesser roles), and non-stop action after the first 30 minutes (the set-up for the operation), this is probably as close to the real thing as Hollywood has ever done.

On the downside, the film is much too long at almost 150 minutes. It's also very repetitive, featuring almost constant shoot-outs between American soldiers and Somalis on rooftops. Also, one of the more intersting parts of the film, the capture of Ron Eldard's character by the Somalis, is not followed at all (save for a brief mention at the end of the film). Josh Hartnett is also very weak as the leading character in the film, especially considering some of the acting talent elsewhere in the film. There is also no characterisation of any of the Somali characters; they are only here to shoot guns and get killed.

This is a very flawed film, but I think that any film fan should watch this at least once purely for the sheer visceral thrill of the relentless battle scenes. Ridley Scott's direction of these scenes is immense, as are the scenes themselves. Watching literally hundreds/thousands of people at war on the streets is something that you won't have seen before, at least not in as epic, realistic or amazing a way as is done here. This is one of Ridley Scott's greatest achievements as a director, if not one of his greatest films.

Rating: 3/5

Matchstick Men

Director: Ridley Scott

Writers: Nicholas Griffin, Ted Griffin

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Sam Rockwell, Alison Lohman

Released: 2003

One of Ridley Scott's lesser-known films, Matchstick Men seemingly came and went when it was released and has since gone onto become a staple of late night TV (in the UK on ITV1, at least).

Telling the story of con artist Roy (Cage), whose (OCD) life is thrown into chaos by the arrival of a teenage daughter (Angela, played by Alison Lohman) he didn't know he had, just as he and partner Frank (Rockwell) are about to pull off a big scam.

Finding out about her father's work, Angela willingly wants to get involved in his scams, much to his distress. Realising he has little choice, he gets her involved, but decides this potentially big job will be his last. However, as this is a film about con artists, all is not as it seems...

Cage is in virtually ever scene of this movie, and this is one of his better performances. He does however go a bit over the top at times, especially in the scenes where he has to show the character's OCD obsession with cleaning and medication, a little bit out of step with the quietly neurotic character that he is meant to be. Lohman and Rockwell play their roles well and are a good counter-balance when Cage does forget which film he is in.

The twist at the end is fairly obvious, but fits the film well, rather than seeming tacked-on for the sake of having a twist in the first place. Overall, this is a fairly entertaining and understated movie, well worth a watch on late night TV.

Rating: 3/5

Ninja Turtles In Trouble?

Is Ninja Turtle Michelangelo being led astray by his Hollywood mates?

"He just parties all the time," said someone I just made up. "He is known as a 'party dude' but he's gone too far and is neglecting his duties as a Ninja Turtle."

Goodbye Sir Alex

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement as manager of Manchester United.

As a lifelong Utd fan I am obviously pretty gutted about this. It's one of those days you knew would come but you didn't want to think about happening.

I don't need to discuss his success or importance, I think you can find everything you would need to know elsewhere.

I would just like to say: thank you Sir Alex.

Mining For Lava (Or: Dodgy Health And Safety Inspections)

On the subject of Star Wars, 'Episode III: Revenge of the Sith' to be precise, the film's climactic battle takes place on some sort of lava planet. Now, I don't have a problem with there being a lava planet, what I don't understand is why there appears to be mining taking place there. More specifically, mining for lava. Or how such a place could possibly pass any health and safety inspections.

What possible purpose can lava have? Taken away it will cool into rocks. Also, if robots/metal can be created that can withstand lava, then why can't robots be created that can withstand shots from laser guns or hits from lightsabers? If I was cynical I would suggest that George Lucas just wanted somewhere dramatic for the fight between Obi-Wan Kenobi and that Darth Vader kid who can't act, I forget his name, to take place and didn't put that much thought into it. However, I am not cynical and wouldn't dare suggest such a thing.

Star Wars

Hmm, so now that Disney own the rights to the Star Wars films, there's gonna be a bunch more of them. So join me now as I look back at the six (!) films in the saga so far... JOIN ME!

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Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

It's back! Well, it was. Rather underwhelming, compared to the "original" three films, Star Wars came back with bad child acting, possible racism (Jar Jar Binks) and special effects that now look a little lame. The highlights are the Ben-Hur-style podrace and the face-off between Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon. Not great, but still, it could have been worse...

Rating: 2/5

Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

And by "it could have been worse", I mean it could have been as bad as this. Easily the worst of the series, and starring the terrible Hayden Christensen, the film plods along with little to get excited about until we finally get to see Yoda in action; even that doesn't last for too long as Christopher Lee scarpers during the fight.

Rating: 1/5

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

The darkest, and best, of the newer films finally sees Anakin become Darth Vader, though it isn't that interesting a journey thanks to Hayden Christensen's continued wooden acting. It gets the job done as preparation for the proper films to come, at least...

Rating: 2.5/5

Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

Farm hand Luke Skywalker starts a torrid affair with a young, innocent stable wench... no, wait, wrong film. You've all seen this, you know how good it is.

Rating: 4.5/5

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Boom! The best of the series, improving on the original, both darker and more epic, and with a better theme tune, this is where shit gets real. And we finally get to see a non-white human in the Star Wars universe.

Rating: 5/5

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)

Bad pacing and some silly stuff (*cough* Ewoks *cough*) marr an otherwise fine end to the original trilogy as the good guys finally win. Though I don't buy that Anakin/Darth Vader would be so welcomed back so warmly by the spirits of Obi-Wan and Yoda at the end after all the killing and destruction he's done.

Rating: 3.5/5