Beady Eye: "Different Gear, Still Speeding"

Released: 2011

One day, Liam Gallagher looked around at his retro rock band Oasis and decided that he wanted a more modern sound. So he left them set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river, across which lay the 21st Century.

The river was wide and swift, and Liam stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

 

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

 

"Hello Mr Frog!" shouted Liam across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr Gallagher! How do I know that if I try to help you, you won't start your usual monkeyman antics, which will in turn cause me to drown?" asked the frog.

"Because," Liam replied, "If I caused you to drown, then I would die too, for you see, I cannot swim on my own!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked, "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed Liam. "But then I wouldn't be able to get a modern sound and I'll stay a 60s-inspired retro rocker forever!"

"How do I know you won't just wait until we get to the other side and THEN beat me up?" asked the frog.

"Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with a beating would it?!"

 

So the frog agreed to take Liam Gallagher across the river to the 21st Century. He crawled onto the frog's back and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so that Liam would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

 

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a thud on the back of his head, and out of the corner of his eye, saw Liam Gallagher punching him. A deadening numbness began to creep into the frog's limbs.

 

"You fool!" croaked the frog. "Now we shall both die and you will be a retro loser forever and never get a modern sound! Why on earth did you do that?"

Liam shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back. "I couldn't help myself. I am Liam Gallagher."

 

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river and Liam Gallagher forever remained a retro rocker endlessly ripping off 1960s music.

Best Song: Four Letter Word

Rating: 2/5