A picture can say a thousand words, so the saying goes. Sometimes, however, far fewer than a thousand words are conjured by or needed to describe a picture (words such as "what the fuck?"), as the album cover below demonstrates.
That is all.
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Sunday, 15 July 2012
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Euro 2012 Round-Up
So, Spain won it... it was pretty easy in the final, with Italy folding like a pack of cards, and ending the game with only 10 men after Motta went off injured and the Azzuri had no subs left.
How were my predictions? Well, I got 50% of the quarter finallists, 50% of the semi-finallists and 50% of the finallists correct. I predicted a German win but they were too cocky and got spanked by Italy in the semi-final.
How was the tournament? Like the past few championships, the group stage was very entertaining but the knock-out stages were largely underwhelming, with the odd exception.
However, before everyone says how great everything in Spanish sport is, let's remember that Spain's fans have already been fined for racist abuse during this tournament...
Then there was a questionable advert that Pepe Reina did before the tournamnent...
And the game between Spain and England in 2004...
Oh yeah, then there's the Spanish basketball team...
And Spanish Formula 1 fans...
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Naomi Campbell: "Babywoman"
Artist: Naomi Campbell
Album: Babywoman
Released: 1994
Intro: released to an unprepared world in 1994 to no acclaim, critical or otherwise, and a lot of bemusement, Naomi Campbell's debut (and to this day only) album was probably intended to cash-in on the supermodel craze of the time. Strangely, Cindy Crawford never bothered making an album.
The album was released by Epic (Sony), and features production credits by the likes of Youth and PM Dawn, and writing credits for people such as Gavin Friday, seemingly only "famous" because he's best mates with Bono.
On the CD is a sticker proclaiming: "INCLUDES THE HITS: 'Love and Tears' and 'I Want To Live'." It only reached number 75 in the British album chart, although it says on Wikipedia that it sold 1 million copies worldwide!!
Amongst the people thanked in the credits are: Linda Evangelista and Kyle Maclachlan, Johnny Depp, all four members of U2 indiviually and Robert De Niro. It also says: "To my assistant Carlton Gardner, thanks for everything." I don't know if he's one of the assistants she beat up or chucked a phone at.
Over at AllMusic, they don't even bother giving a written review to the album. They just give it two stars (out of five).
1. Love & Tears
And we're off! This was released as a single and reached number 40 in the singles chart, and features Chrissie Hynde on backing vocals. It starts with an Indian sound (tablas) and Naomi holds herself back on the singing... until about 1:40 into the song when she lets herself go! And it's worth the wait; she really can't sing. Later on, she starts talking. "Wipe away my tears, baby," she says. The music on this song ain't that bad but the singing is pretty lame. The Indian sound pre-dates Kula Shaker by two years; strange, everyone knows Kula Shaker invented Indian music. This song was truly ahead of its time. You can watch the video below.
2. I Want To Live
This song was also a "hit", apparently. It sounds like an early 90s dance-pop song, kind of like an early Take That song. You know, that one where they writhe around oiled up or something. Anyway, this song is essentially just Naomi singing "I want to live" over and over again with the odd bit of talking. The singing is more restrained and less obviously bad.
3. Ride A White Swan
Yes, this is a cover of the Marc Bolan & T-Rex song. And yes it's lame. It sounds like a later Oasis song like 'Lyla', it's very monotonous. It sounds like she's singing the lyrics without ever having heard the original because the singing doesn't follow the melody. Either that, or she's a musical genius and she's come up with a new concept for a cover version: have the music stick to the original melody while the singing veers way off course.
4. Life Of Leisure
Bizarrely, this is another cover version. Of a Luscious Jackson song. 'Cus I'm sure Naomi's a big fan. The song starts with some noises that sound like someone getting cock-slapped in the face, repeatedly. You know what that sounds like, don't pretend that you don't. The music itself is very similar to the original, just a bit more uptempo. This is the sound of brilliance being shat on, of the mainstream copying the cool without understanding why it was cool in the first place.
5. Babywoman
Being the title track, you'd think this might be the best song yet. Well, you'd be completely wrong, as this is the worst so far. Over an early 90s r'n'b sound, Naomi sings some strange lyrics like "Come take a ride on my shiny paper moon", "I'm no Venus de Milo" and "living in a horse-shaped world". She also does more talking on this song, partly in French. "Je m'appelle Naomi, peace and love, it's a wonderful thing." Bizarre.
6. Looks Swank (Spooky)
Featuring a sample from a James Brown song, repeated about 500 times throughout the song (gotta get your money's worth), this features more talking, this time over a chilled-out hip hop beat. "Can't help myself, oh yeah," sings Naomi, apropos of nothing.
7. Picnic In The Rain
Continuing the hip hop sound, but with added piano (that sounds like the kind you get in a hotel lobby/restaurant), this features Naomi singing things like: "No-one ever tells me what to do or say." Musical powerhouses (and in no way one-hit wonders) PM Dawn gets a credit for additional production and remix. Essentially, the point of this song is that nothing can stop Naomi, not even rain when she's having a picnic.
8. When I Think About Love
PM Dawn get full production credits for this ballad, which features lots of finger-clicking and cheesy acoustic guitar. This is one of those types of songs that boybands sit on stools and pull strange hand movements when they sing it. Naomi sounds drunk on this one; it seems like a "one take then I'm off" kind of performance, like Krusty the Klown does on 'The Simpsons'. The one take isn't very good.
9. All Through The Night
This sounds like it has the exact same beat as the previous two songs, but with a cheesy synth-glockenspiel sound over the top. It also features the lyrics "All through the night, lay your head on my shoulder, make love to my mind" repeated about ten times throughout. Ten backing singers (one of which is apparently Luther Vandross) join in towards the end, at which point Naomi reaches for a high note. And fails.
10. Sunshine On A Rainy Day
The last song proper is a cover version of Zoe's hit from 1990/1991, a song still played on local radio stations to this day. Every day. Naomi gives up trying to sing in tune (it is the last song after all), finally, and finds her true voice as a drunk aunty at a karaoke night. The song drags on for 5:45...
11. I Want To Live (Reprise)
Like the original (track 2), this is basically just Naomi singing "I want to live" over some dance pop music with some added talking. The point of this is thet Naomi wants to live, I think.
Summary: this is an hilariously bad album, featuring some very generic music topped with some truly woeful singing, and laughable attempts at talking sexily during the songs. Unfortunately for Naomi, auto-tune wasn't invented until 1997. Definitely worth a listen for comedy value alone. I got this second hand on Amazon for £0.01 (+ postage of £1.26).
Rating: 0/5
Sunday, 24 June 2012
We Weren't Unlucky
Another tournament, another defeat on penalties after a limp display. Yes, England are finally out of Euro 2012 at the quarter final stage.
Still, fair play to Italy, they were much the better team. They'll probably get stuffed by Germany in their semi final, but they've done better than us. At least there's another two years before we have to go through all this again.
...And Again!
Not content with beating Bowser once today, I decided to complete all 96 levels on 'Super Mario World' then beat him again. Word. I can tell you're all impressed.
Take That, Bowser!
I just beat Bowser in 'Super Mario World'. I am quite literally a game-playing genius without compare.
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| I always enter through the back door. |
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| S'alright Yoshis, I was just doing my duty. |
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| I'm sure Bowser will be back. |
Saturday, 23 June 2012
In Praise of Bad Music
Like a lot of people, I occasionally enjoy films that are "so bad they're good". 'A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge' comes to mind straight away...
What not a lot of people ever really say is that they like bad music. There are some slight exceptions: most people don't mind bad songs if they're Christmas songs, and many people have their "guilty pleasures", songs which are often from their childhood or youth, mainly from the 1980s it seems, which people still have an affection for, but don't want to admit they really like because they're not considered cool anymore (or ever were), so they hide behing a veil of irony and "school disco" nights at nightclubs.
I'm not interested in music that's just out-and-out bad (U2 and Coldplay take note). No, what I like is the music that shouldn't have been; the singles or albums that were vanity projects, or ill-advised wish-fulfillment. The projects that were designed to expand the brand. I'm talking about actors, models, TV presenters and reality stars who suddenly decide that they want to be pop stars or, in some cases, serious indie/emo rockers. I'm talking about the likes of Bruce Willis, Naomi Campbell and Paris Hilton; people who aren't going to let the fact that they can't sing or have any obvious music talent whatsoever get in the way of their dream to make an album.
Anyway, I've bought a bunch of such albums and will be doing posts all about them when I get the time...
In the meantime, here's Bruce Willis (and The Temptations) doing 'Under The Boardwalk'.
I don't know why The Temptations agreed to this. No, wait, they probably got paid a shitload of cash. Listen out for the especially cheesy backing music.
Side Project(s)
Come check out my other blog, where I collect together a bunch of good, bad and weird album covers:
Or come visit me on Tumblr:
Or Twitter:
Yeah I know the links are over on the right side of the page, but not everyone looks there.
Friday, 22 June 2012
Pulp: "His 'n' Hers"
Artist: Pulp
Album: His 'n' Hers
Released: 1994
I've listened to this album probably more than any other I've ever owned; I can even remember going uptown to buy it on my 16th birthday as a treat to myself. I listened to it so much that when Pulp's next album, 'Different Class', came out little over a year later, I didn't bother getting it for quite a while because I was still listening to this so much. It was seriously the soundtrack to my life for about two years.
There isn't really anything I can say about Pulp (on a blog!) that you probably don't already know; all I would say is that this is the definitive Pulp album (much better than 'Different Class', don't listen to anyone who says otherwise), and probably the best British album of the 1990s.
If you've not heard this (or any Pulp) album, here are (some of) the themes explored:
Joyriding, vandalism, women, lipgloss, cigarettes, sex, dreams, sex, listening to people have sex, hiding in wardrobes watching people have sex, sex, love, virginity, sex, a pink glove fetish, leather, jealousy, lingerie, love, summertime, friendship.
This might not be the best album you ever hear, but it will surely be one of the ones you love the most. Go and buy it now, if you don't already have it.
Best Song: Do You Remember The First Time?
Rating: 5/5
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