Marco van Bastard (feat. Rita Ora)

In the Euro 88 group stage, England lost to the Netherlands 3-1. I don't remember too many details of the game. What I do remember is that the game kicked off around tea time, soon after I finished school. We had beef, gravy and vegetables for tea. I am certain that my mum had cooked the food well in advance and just reheated it because the gravy was lumpy and a bit jelly-like, which was always a give-away of such a culinary shortcut. Also the plate was the same temperature as the food from having been in the microwave at the same time.

My other memory from this game, which I don't know is true or not, is that the headline on the back of The Sun newspaper the next day was "Van Bastard". (Marco van Basten had scored all 3 goals for Holland in their victory.) I want to believe it's true, but I can find no evidence of it other than in my head. Which is good enough for me to tell people it's true.

2015 Staycation

Today is the last day of my three week staycation. If I'm being honest, I've done very little during my break.

The highlight was perhaps seeing a John O'Shea lookalike standing outside of Argos. He was smoking an electronic cigarette. I don't think it was the real John O'Shea.

Other than that, I did a lot of sorting out, getting rid of stuff mainly, like clothes and my old PS3 disc games. I played on my new Xbox One quite a bit. Which was nice.

I went out for a meal and drinks with people from work. It was boring and the food was bad. I won't be doing it again. Though I'm getting made redundant soon so it's not something I really need to worry about.

I managed to watch one film on Netflix. Species III. It wasn't very good.

Overall then, not the most exciting holiday I've ever had. Prolly the worst. Oh yeah, I've been using the word prolly a lot lately instead of probably. That's something at least.

Anna Kendrick And Peter Shilton

I had a dream recently that I was at a pub with my Dad and actress Anna Kendrick. My Dad had started to wear a wig (in the dream, not in real life).

Anna and I questioned my Dad as to why he had started to wear a wig.

As we did, former England goalkeeper Peter Shilton popped over to our table to tell us that he had had a hair transplant at the age of 23 (in the dream, not in real life) and it had given him the confidence to be a world class goalkeeper. To be fair, he had fabulous hair for a 65 year-old, all dark and curly, like a young Tom Jones. He said my Dad should consider doing it too.

I don't really know what any of this means. Maybe my Dad should get a hair transplant? Or maybe I should start hanging out with Anna Kendrick?

The result of this is that I went on Netflix and watched Rapture-Palooza, starring my new bff Anna K.

The World Cup: In Summary

The World Cup finished just about two weeks ago now, with Germany winning out. The real winners of the tournament though were Japan.

Yeah Germany may get to take the trophy home, but Japan went home knowing that they had Pikachu and other Pokémon as their mascots, and with it, a moral victory. Congratulations!

Worst World Cup Moments

No. 4: The Dictators

Football and politics are largely kept apart, FIFA even going so far as to suspend countries when governments interfere with national football associations.

This wasn't always the case though. The 1934 World Cup was held in Italy, then ruled by fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, and also won by Italy. This has lead to widespread rumours of interference from Mussolini since then, especially with reports of very favourable refereeing decisions for the Italians at the tournament, and the fact that Italy fielded three players who had played for Argentina at the previous tournament. You can read more about it here.

The 1978 World Cup was held in Argentina, then ruled by military dictator Jorge Rafael Videla, a man responsible for widespread murder and torture during his five years in power (1976-1981).

Again, watchers complained of favourable refereeing for the hosts throughout the tournament, including in the final; opposition players were sent off, penalties awarded to Argentina for no obvious fouls, Argentine players handling the ball (including one off the goal line) and not being unpunished, Argentine players smacking opposition players and not being punished, etc.

Perhaps the most notorious game in 1978 was the second round game between Argentina and Peru. Argentina needed to win by four clear goals (against a Peruvian team that had beaten Scotland and Iran and drawn with Holland) to qualify for the final and ran out 6-0 winners. There are lots of articles you can read about how or why this game and more may have been fixed, perhaps the best of which is here on the Financial Times's website.

As is FIFA hadn't learned its lesson by this point, the 1982 World Cup was awarded to Spain when General Franco was still in charge, though he died by the time the tournament was held.

Worst World Cup Moments

No. 3: The Sven Kid

To be honest, if I did a World Cup best moments list, this would make it on there. But I’m doing a worsties list so this will have to do. Some things are just too good to leave out.

It's easy to forget now (or remember and sneer about it), but England fans were actually pretty excited about the team from about 2001 – 2004. Aside from the awesome shirt we had from 2001-2003 (pictured), this was down to the appointment of Sven-Goran Eriksson as manager, and the heralding of the so-called golden generation of Beckham, Scholes, Gerrard, Ferdinand, Campbell, Owen and... erm... Emile Heskey. OK, so some were more golden than others.

Anyway, England went to the 2002 World Cup full of optimism. Sven had turned the team around and got qualification (courtesy of a late Beckham goal against Greece) from a tricky group, the highlight being a 5-1 win away to Germany. Things didn't quite go to plan in the run up to the World Cup, Gerrard and Gary Neville pulled out through injury and Beckham only just made it after breaking a metatarsal bone in his foot.

Spirits were still high though. Perhaps too high. For one child in particular.

No, that kid was not naturally bald. Nor did he need glasses. He had his head shaved and wore the glasses to look like Sven-Goran Eriksson. Whether he's a legend or an idiot I will leave for you to decide.

Worst World Cup Moments

No. 2: Rivaldo

Like many players, Rivaldo could dive and feign injury at will, but he outdid himself at the 2002 World Cup.

In Brazil's first group game against Turkey, Rivaldo had just scored a penalty in the 87th minute (wrongly awarded - see 4:37 in this video - the foul was clearly outside the box) to give Brazil a 2-1 lead, and leaving Turkey with only 10 men.

As the game went into injury time, Rivaldo engaged in a bit of time wasting at a corner. Hakan Unsal ran over to kick the ball to/at him...

The ball hit Rivaldo in the thigh, only for Rivaldo to take a dive clutching his face, as shown quite nicely in the video above, all set to some lovely hip hop music. Result: Hakan Unsal was sent off and Rivaldo would forever be associated with (pointless) cheating.

Worst World Cup Moments

Seemingly every newspaper and website in the world is having a series on the best or most important moments from World Cup history right about now. I can't compete with that, but I can mention some of the worst.

No. 1: Diana Ross

At USA 94, Diana Ross was the main attraction of the opening ceremony. An odd choice on many levels:, she’s not the kind of artist that I think many football fans would have liked (especially back then when football was a lot less female friendly than it is now) and her star was seriously on the decline by then; she hadn't had a top 10 album in the US since 1980 and a top 10 single since 1984. 19 of her previous 20 singles had even failed to chart in America at all.

Anyway, at one point in the ceremony, Diana was meant to kick a football into a goal, only it didn't quite go to plan. She spannered the ball hopelessly wide, made worse by the fact the goals fell apart as if her "goal" had broken them. Ever the pro, she kept on running and singing. And by singing, I mean lip-synching; and quite badly too, she doesn't even bother holding the microphone to her mouth much of the time. She does sing the odd bit over the backing tape to be fair though as the show goes on.

You can watch the whole 8 minute Diana Ross section of the opening ceremony by clicking here. You can also see her nipples poking through her top quite prominently towards the end of her performance too, if you're into that kind of thing.

World Cup Fever

The World Cup got underway yesterday in Brazil with the hosts beating Croatia 3-1. The first World Cup I can remember is Mexico 86. (I can't say for sure but I think it was held in Mexico in 1986.) I was only 7 at the time, a young innocent, probably listening to The Smiths, REM, Throwing Muses, like most people did at that age and at that time. I was probably still into David Bowie then too, but secretly thought that his recent stuff wasn't as good as his 70s stuff, though didn't want to tell that to anyone else because I was just happy to see Bowie alive, happy and successful. He deserved it.

Just before Mexico 86, I had a bit of an accident. Playing football in our back yard on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I needed to go to the bathroom, so I ran to our back door, and tried to shove it open, thinking it to be ajar. As it happened, the door was shut and my hand went straight through one of the 1960s style glass panels (in 1986) leaving my wrist cut open and shards of glass stuck in the wound. As my mum didn't drive and my dad was playing golf (and was unreachable), my mum had to take me to my nan and grandad's house (a couple of streets away) to try to get a lift to the hospital. They weren't in either, nor their neighbour who we knew (who was also my godfather). I had a green and white tea towel wrapped around my wrist, soaking up the blood. In the end, some guy in my grandparents's street who happened to be outside washing his car offered to drive us to the hospital so that I could get my wrist dealt with.

The end result of this was that for the start of Mexico 86, I had my right wrist stitched and bandaged up. Coincidentally, star England striker of that World Cup was Gary Lineker, who had his (left) wrist bandaged during the tournament (see the picture above). This led to inevitable comparisons in the playground; fortunately, I was quite the goalscorer in those days and my Lineker-like appearance and goal-hanging made me a feared lunchtime goal threat.

England eventually lost in the quarter finals to Argentina, who went on to win the tournament. My wrist bandage was eventually removed, but it had served its purpose. My class's team (with me as star striker) went on to win a six-a-side tournament that summer too, proving me more successful than Gary Lineker that year, who won nothing, other than the World Cup's golden boot award for leading scorer and a multi-million pound transfer to Barcelona.

New Year's Resolution

You literally can't move right now for people making New Year's resolutions. Literally. And as we all know, everyone will stick to those resolutions.

My own resolution was going to be to live a more interesting life this year, but I know that won't happen. Instead, I am going to steal other people's anecdotes and life stories to make my life seem more interesting.

Yeah, this is morally wrong, probably, and dishonest, but it's a lot easier than actually doing anything. And I'm nothing if not consistently lazy. I know my strengths.

I will have to take care not to tell people their own anecdotes, that's probably the main danger of my resolution, especially if they are those people's "classic" anecdotes, like my friend and the time he stood next to Andy/Andrew Cole at a nightclub toilet or my uncle who saw a former cast member from Coronation Street drunk and shouting abuse at people in Stoke city centre (she was doing panto in Stoke at the time).

With this resolution and an army anecdotes at my disposal, I shall surely become the most interesting, and sexy, person anyone in my life will know. No bad can possibly come from this.

Let's Play In Our Pants!

On the subject of impromptu games of football, I remember one game in particular. It was the summer of 1999, and some friends (who I shall call John, Paul, George, Ringo, Pete and Yoko) and I had got tickets to see 'Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace' for a Sunday evening showing.

We had decided to make a day of it. We went to Yoko's house for an afternoon barbecue. I clearly remember dropping two plates in the kitchen and breaking them. Good times.

Being big Star Wars fans, we were pretty pumped up for the new film. Pete had got a football out and started to do some tricks. Did we have time for a game? Yes, we did. However, we were dressed up somewhere between formal and casual, we didn't want to get grass stains on our clothes. Let's play in our pants! Yes, that makes perfect sense.

I don't remember whose idea it was to play in just our pants (it wasn't mine), but we did so anyway. After a while, you get used to it anyway, and it seems like the most normal thing in the world. Which of course, it is. A good time was had by all, but we were all sweaty now with muddy feet. Time for showers.

Even though it was Yoko's house, and he had two showers, he was the last one in. I remember him being fairly pissed off about this.

We got to the cinema and watched the film. It sucked and it destroyed our childhood. Still, the day has some good memories at least.

Witness Relocation

If I ever get to see a mob hit, then testify in court in exchange for witness protection and have to be relocated (and I hope to one day), I'd want to live on the coast somewhere.

I want a place not too close to a lighthouse, but not too far away either. On summer evenings, I'd invite locals over to play football in the garden. The lighthouse would make a useful though intermittent floodlight if any games went on into the night.

Afterwards we would retire to my study for brandy. We would have a good laugh and tell stories of great goals we've scored over the years, but lament our now decaying bodies and dodgy knees.

I've tried to increase my chances of this happening by spying on people I determine to be potential murderers and mob bosses, but so far nothing. I shall keep on the case.

Premier League Predictions

The new football season starts today. Here are my traditionally terrible predictions.

1. Man City

2. Chelsea

3. Man Utd

4. Arsenal

5. Tottenham

6. Liverpool

7. Everton

8. Swansea

9. West Ham

10. Southampton

11. Fulham

12. Aston Villa

13. Sunderland

14. Norwich City

15. West Brom

16. Stoke City

17. Hull City

18. Cardiff City

19. Newcastle Utd

20. Crystal Palace

FA Cup: Chelsea

League Cup: Chelsea

Champions League: Barcelona

I've gone for Citeh to win as I think they have the strongest squad, although obviously I don't want them to win. As a United fan, I'd just about be happy with third in Moyes's first season in charge, assuming we don't bring in any big names before the end of the transfer window (like Fabregas or Ozil). I still think Arsenal will get their annual fourth place, despite Spurs strengthening over the summer, and I can't see Liverpool doing anything special owing to the terrible collection of defenders they have.

Controversially, I have gone for Newcastle to get relegated. They ended last season really badly, and I predict that to continue, followed by Pardew to get sacked, then Joe Kinnear to get put back in charge. That won't end well. As much as I like Ian Holloway, they have a very weak squad, and I can't see Cardiff doing anything either.

Given Mourinho's record in the past, I can see him going all out in the cups, which is why I think Chelsea will win both, and I think Barcelona will come back strong in the Champions League this year with the signing of Neymar.

Premier League Predictions: Revisited

Like all football fans, I know more than anyone else. That's why, last August, I made my predictions for the season just commencing (and having now just finished). So how did I do?

Well I got the top 5 of Man Utd, Man City, Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham in the correct order. And not much else. I rightly predicted Wigan and Reading to get relegated but pretty much everything else at least slightly wrong. Here are my predictions and the actual results in brackets:

1. Man Utd (CORRECT)

2. Man City (CORRECT)

3. Chelsea (CORRECT)

4. Arsenal (CORRECT)

5. Tottenham (CORRECT)

6. Liverpool (Everton)

7. Newcastle Utd (Liverpool)

8. Everton (West Brom)

9. Sunderland (Swansea)

10. Swansea (West Ham)

11. Aston Villa (Norwich)

12. Stoke City (Fulham)

13. West Ham (Stoke City)

14. Fulham (Southampton)

15. West Brom (Aston Villa)

16. QPR (Newcastle Utd)

17. Norwich (Sunderland)

18. Wigan (CORRECT)

19. Southampton (Reading)

20. Reading (QPR)

FA Cup: Man City (Wigan)

League Cup: Chelsea (Swansea)

Champions League: Barcelona (Bayern Munich)

Goodbye Sir Alex

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement as manager of Manchester United.

As a lifelong Utd fan I am obviously pretty gutted about this. It's one of those days you knew would come but you didn't want to think about happening.

I don't need to discuss his success or importance, I think you can find everything you would need to know elsewhere.

I would just like to say: thank you Sir Alex.

Premier League Predictions

It's back bitches! After a summer of nothing happening in the world of sport, apart from that Euro 2012 and those Olympics, the only game that matters is finally back. Things started well for Fulham (beating Norwich 5-0) and Swansea (winning 5-0 at QPR), and not so well for Man Utd, losing 1-0 to hoofball merchants Everton (I'm not bitter or anything). Anyway, here are my predictions:

1. Man Utd

2. Man City

3. Chelsea

4. Arsenal

5. Tottenham

6. Liverpool

7. Newcastle Utd

8. Everton

9. Sunderland

10. Swansea

11. Aston Villa

12. Stoke City

13. West Ham

14. Fulham

15. West Brom

16. QPR

17. Norwich

18. Wigan

19. Southampton

20. Reading

FA Cup: Man City

League Cup: Chelsea

Champions League: Barcelona

Obviously, I'm not going to back against Man Utd, and as much as I'd like to see Man City crash and burn, that's not going to happen. Barcelona will probably win the Champions League again, even though most people are sick of them now (well, I am, at least).

I'm hoping for an entertaining season overall as most teams like to get the ball down and play attacking football, though there are still some scrappy long-ball merchants (you know who you are). I'm also hoping to see greater diversity in formations and tactics this season; Man City have been playing 3 at the back in pre-season, and Wigan ended last season that way. I think Man Utd will change formation more this season with the new signings, and the first weekend has already seen 3-5-2, 4-3-3, 4-4-2, and 4-1-2-1-2 (i.e. a diamond in midfield) formations.

The new player I'm most excited about seeing is Kagawa at Man Utd, who was excellent in Germany at Borussia Dortmund, and is a genuine attacking playmaker (a "number 10", if you will), the type of player Utd haven't had since Paul Scholes moved into a deeper position about 8 years ago.

My biggest fear is a return to about 5 years ago when it seemed that every team started playing a 4-5-1, especially away from home. I fear this because quite a few teams in the Premier League will be employing a 4-3-3 this season, and it's only a short step from 4-3-3 to 4-5-1.

In summary: football, bloody hell.

Euro 2012 Round-Up

So, Spain won it... it was pretty easy in the final, with Italy folding like a pack of cards, and ending the game with only 10 men after Motta went off injured and the Azzuri had no subs left.

How were my predictions? Well, I got 50% of the quarter finallists, 50% of the semi-finallists and 50% of the finallists correct. I predicted a German win but they were too cocky and got spanked by Italy in the semi-final.

How was the tournament? Like the past few championships, the group stage was very entertaining but the knock-out stages were largely underwhelming, with the odd exception.

However, before everyone says how great everything in Spanish sport is, let's remember that Spain's fans have already been fined for racist abuse during this tournament...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/jun/29/euro-2012-uefa-racism-fine

Then there was a questionable advert that Pepe Reina did before the tournamnent...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/liverpool/9114243/Liverpools-Pepe-Reina-caught-up-in-racism-row-after-Spanish-company-is-forced-to-cancel-TV-advert.html

And the game between Spain and England in 2004...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/internationals/4018421.stm

Oh yeah, then there's the Spanish basketball team...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2008/aug/10/olympics2008.olympicsbasketball

And Spanish Formula 1 fans...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/2290950/Lewis-Hamilton-sad-at-racism-in-Spain.html

We Weren't Unlucky

Another tournament, another defeat on penalties after a limp display. Yes, England are finally out of Euro 2012 at the quarter final stage.

Still, fair play to Italy, they were much the better team. They'll probably get stuffed by Germany in their semi final, but they've done better than us. At least there's another two years before we have to go through all this again.

We're Not Going Home

So, England made it through to the Quarter Finals, much as I predicted. Though I didn't think we'd win the group, which we did after France got battered by Sweden.

So it's Italy up next... they're exactly the kind of team I didn't want England to play as they keep possession well and are defensively pretty strong, normally. I much prefer it when England play teams who give the ball away and are a defensive shambles. Like Ukraine. The Italy game has 0-0 written all over it.

Facts of the Day: Alan Shearer

The BBC's coverage of Euro 2012 has had mixed reviews so far, especially the performance of pundit Alan Shearer. Here are some facts you will need to know about the Geordie goal-hanger.

  

Howay lads. Gonay me burrs, etc.

* Alan was born with an extra foot.

* He was named after actress Moira Shearer; Alan's parents had hoped he would pursue a career in ballet.

* He practised penalties at school by kicking people in the head and imagining it was a football.

* In 1995, Alan celebrated the successful creosoting of his garden fence by winning the Premiership title for Blackburn.

* To keep himself entertained during interviews, Alan would surreptitiously quote song lyrics. When asked by John Motson at France '98 whether England had a chance of winning the World Cup, Alan replied: "Oompa loompa doompety doo, I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompety dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me Yes, I believe we can do it."