Fingerless Gloves

I've never understood the appeal of fingerless gloves. They certainly don't look cool and they don't have any practical benefit over fingered gloves. The fingers are the parts of the hand that get cold the most.

As such, I take an instant dislike to anyone who wears them. Someone on my bus wears them. I dislike him. I've never spoken to him but he's crossed the fashion line and there's no going back. He looks like Sylar from 'Heroes' too which only makes him look more evil.

Knightmare

Knightmare was an rpg game show (for children) broadcast on ITV from 1987 to 1994. Teams of four children went on the show, one out in the dungeon (unable to see), three back in the studio guiding them via monitors.

In middle school, four girls from my class actually went on the show. Not just that but they actually got through to the end and won, which didn't seem to happen very often. I only used to watch the show occasionally but was keen to tune in to see my fellow classmates when their shows aired (I think it was spread across two episodes). They wouldn't tell anyone how they did, leading people to assume wrongly that they'd done badly. Oh how we felt foolish when they won.

Even after it had been broadcast, the girls were always guarded and never gave away any secrets of the show, almost like they'd taken a vow or pact of silence. Or maybe they knew that if they didn't talk about it we would keep on asking, becoming ever hungrier for the truth and behind-the-scenes secrets, and making them ever more popular (they were quite nerdy and not that popular before they went on the show).

Every now and then, maybe once or twice a year, for the rest of our school days, someone would say: "Hey, remember when [they] were on Knightmare?" We'd reminisce about those days, then go and poke fun at the girls for being losers, though we were probably all secretly a little bit jealous of their TV fame and glory. This was except for Kenny Loggins, who I've mentioned previously as someone who would never let an old nickname go. He insisted on saying "You're having a Knightmare!" to all four of the heroes, whenever he saw any of them, for pretty much the remaining six or seven years of our time at school. It was pretty funny the first time, maybe even the first few times, but he just couldn't let it go.

Celebrity Golfing Anecdote

I went to the English Open golf tournament at the Forest of Arden one year (on the Thursday of what I would guess was around 1996 or so) with one of my cousins (called Kenny G for the sake of this post) and some other people. Aside from hearing the radio station BRMB for the first time (heavily advertised on ITV at the time), I did manage to come away from the day with two celebrity golfing anecdotes, just the thing every raconteur or bon viveur needs for those occasions when you are talking to golf fans, or at a golf club.

(1) At the practise putting green, bearded New Zealand golf sensation Frank Nobilo was being filmed. I managed to position myself at all times so that I was always in line with the camera and behind Frank. I don't know how much of it they showed on Sky Sports* but I would have been there in the background too. If you happened to tape that day's golf, please watch that day's entire play then e-mail me and let me know if they showed any of that footage. Thanks.

* Interestingly, all the camera equipment I saw that day was (former?) BBC equipment where the BBC symbol was still clearly visible beneath the Sky Sports stickers/logos.

(2) At one point, Kenny G and I followed Colin Montgomerie around for a while, as he was probably the main man of European golf at the time. Needless to say, I was suitably impressed by how far he could smack the ball. Also, at the time, he seemed like the tallest person I had ever seen in my life, but Wikipedia says that he's only 6ft 1in, so unless he's shrunk a lot since then I was probably just imagining it. Either that, or people from Staffordshire are like hobbits compared to the rest of the world. Anyway, after one hole, Kenny G and I thought we would get a move on to the next tee to get a good spot. I found myself walking along talking to what I thought was Kenny G but was actually just a random stranger, so I stopped to look for him only to have somebody walk straight into me with such force that it knocked me to the ground. I looked up sheepishly to see the one and only Colin Montgomerie helping me back up as it was he who had knocked me over (I bet you didn't see that coming). He saw the funny side about it and apologised. Whenever people would say he had a bad attitude etc I would always tell this story to show him in a better light.

I think you'll agree these are two dynamite anecdotes, fit for any occasion. Please feel free to steal them and use them for yourself. If you need more information to make the stories more convincing or watertight (in case anyone starts asking questions about the whether it actually happened to you, for example), then let me know, I'll be happy to help.

2013 Favourites

Film

This is an easy one as I've only seen one film from last year, 'Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa', which, fortunately, is as good as one might expect.

Games

2013 was a stellar year for games, the Wii U (woo hoo!) had its first full year and the PS4 (mild yay) and Xbone (boo!) were released. The stellar 'GTA V' ruled sales-wise, and though I haven't finished it yet, I would say it's a lot better than the disappointing 'GTA 4' and is a lot of fun. Another "AAA" title that was a lot of fun was 'Assassin's Creed IV'. At first, I thought it an improvement on 'ACIII', but I've since replayed 'ACIII' and I actually think that III is better than IV. The multiplayer on 'ACIV' is astoundingly good though, easily the best of the year for me. Talking multiplayer, that brings me to the very disappointing 'Call Of Duty: Ghosts', which had a piss poor single player campaign and quite a lame multiplayer, which ditched objective game modes in favour of pure killing, and improved the hit detection to the extent that as soon as you get hit you're dead (and vice versa). It plays into the hands of campers and is much the worse for it. 'Batman: Arkham Origins' was another fine (if more-of-the-same) entry to the series, and featured multiplayer for the first time, though that's quite hard to judge as it is virtually impossible to find a game when you go online. PS3 had 'The Last Of Us', which was very good, both in single player and multiplayer, though it's not quite the masterpiece some people make it out to be. Wii U had some of the best games of the year, the amazing 'Super Mario 3D World' being the best, featuring insanely brilliant and varied level design and probably the tightest controls of any game this year. 'Lego City Undercover' was another incredibly fun game, easily the best Lego game I've seen or played. Wii U also had the promising looking 'Wonderful 101' and reamkes of 'Legend Of Zelda:the Wind Waker' and 'Deau Ex: Human Revolution', though I haven't got around to playing them yet. The best game of the year though was unquestionably 'Animal Crossing: New Leaf' on 3DS. I've already put in over 200 hours playtime into the game and will undoubtedly put in lots more. The 3DS had a stellar year though I didn't get around to too many of the other great-looking games ('Fire Emblem: Awakening', 'Pokemon X and Y', 'Luigi's Mansion 2', 'Lego City Undercover: The Chase Begins', 'Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D', 'The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds' to name but a few!) as I spent so much time as mayor in my town (called Hyrule) in 'Animal Crossing'.

Music

My favourite album of 2013 was "The Stand-In" by Caitlin Rose, a rockier effort than her brilliant debut album, not that that's necessarily a bad thing. I also liked the latest Neko Case album (which goes without saying), the title of which is too long to type. The album I listened to the most last year was probably "True Romance" by Charli XCX, which still gets heavy rotation on my stereo, and is really very good. Laura Marling's fourth album "Once I was An Eagle" was another stellar effort and "Silence Yourself", the debut by Savages, was fantastic too. Of the hyped albums of the year, I enjoyed Haim's debut "Days Are Gone" quite a bit and Lorde's "Pure Heroine" too.

Podcasts

Greg Proops's "The Smartest Man In The World" is probably my favourite of 2013, a kind of improvised stand-up show full of anecdotes, rants, politics. Richard Herring produced some good work again this year, with a show from the Edinburgh Fringe featuring chats with other performers as well as some stand-up, and another from the Leicester Square Theatre, which is another chat-based show with (mainly) comedians. Also providing a conversation based podcast (I didn't want to use the words chat or talk again there) was Jeff Garlin, whose show "By The Way, In Conversation With Jeff Garlin" featured interviews with some of his friends and favourite performers. It doesn't always hit the mark, and it can get a bit awkward when he sucks up to the guests (though to be fair Jeff does address this and is unrepentant), but is very interesting nonetheless and he gets some big name guests and people you don't get long interviews with too often, such as Larry David. "The Bugle", with Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver, continued to be excellent into its fifth year as did Kevin Smith and his army of podcasts (in their seventh year!), of which "Hollywood Babble-On", a fairly bitchy review of the week in entertainment with Ralph Garman, is probably my favourite. Just lately I've got into "Call Chelsea Peretti", featuring the aforementioned Chelsea Peretti (I love saying that name), a comic and writer (on shows like "Parks and Recreation" and "The Sarah Silverman Program"). The podcast is kind of weird and surreal and features Chelsea taking calls from listeners and rambling on about various other surreal things. It might well be the most brilliant thing ever, I'm not really sure yet.

Radio
The ever excellent 'Sound Opinions' continued in fine form last year as ever, as did BBC 5live's 'Fighting Talk', though the show has taken a downturn since host Colin Murray left in the summer to be replaced by a revolving panel of hosts (when will the BBC learn thi is never a good idea?). Also on 5live is 'Daily Bacon', the channel's entertainment and interviews show, which relies on good guests and generally has someone of interest on the show, fortunately. As ever though, my favourite radio show is 'Hawksbee and Jacobs' on talkSPORT, a humorous weekdaily take on the world of sport (is weekdaily a word?) which is always excellent. And funny.

TV
Got to be honest, I didn't watch much TV in 2013, though I did see some good stuff. 'The Americans', strangely shown on primetime ITV, was a very enjoyable (American) cold war thriller, and showed where 'Homeland' went wrong when it started to focus on the Brody-Mathison romance and less on imminent terrorist threat. 'Arrested Development' was the main reason I started subscribing to Netflix last summer and was very good, if a little inconsistent (the shows needed a little editing I think), but Netflix was where I found the best show of the year, animated comedy 'Archer', an American parody of espionage movies (James Bond in particular), which focuses as much on office politics as it does on real politics and is much the better for it. I've only seen Season 1 of 'Breaking Bad' and up to Season 3 of 'Eastbound & Down' or I'm sure they would have joined the list too.

New Year's Resolution

You literally can't move right now for people making New Year's resolutions. Literally. And as we all know, everyone will stick to those resolutions.

My own resolution was going to be to live a more interesting life this year, but I know that won't happen. Instead, I am going to steal other people's anecdotes and life stories to make my life seem more interesting.

Yeah, this is morally wrong, probably, and dishonest, but it's a lot easier than actually doing anything. And I'm nothing if not consistently lazy. I know my strengths.

I will have to take care not to tell people their own anecdotes, that's probably the main danger of my resolution, especially if they are those people's "classic" anecdotes, like my friend and the time he stood next to Andy/Andrew Cole at a nightclub toilet or my uncle who saw a former cast member from Coronation Street drunk and shouting abuse at people in Stoke city centre (she was doing panto in Stoke at the time).

With this resolution and an army anecdotes at my disposal, I shall surely become the most interesting, and sexy, person anyone in my life will know. No bad can possibly come from this.

Highlight Of The Week

My highlight of this past week was definitely seeing a drunk guy get arrested on the bus.

It's not the first time I've ever seen police officers get on a bus I've been on (that's another story for another time) but was the briefest.

It started when some drunk guy (whom I shall call Frank Sinatra) got on the bus and loudly asked the driver if he'd let him on for free as he'd lost his wallet. After some badgering, the driver let him on, for which the drunk guy thanked him loudly and repeatedly as the bus pulled away.

A couple of minutes later, the bus pulled over at a stop at which no-one was waiting. The bus waited for a few minutes until a police car arrived. The driver had obviously called it in, rather sneakily.

Two police officers got on the bus and arrested Frank Sinatra. He put up a struggle for a few seconds then accepted his fate. He was arrested for criminal damage, something he must have done (if he did - innocent until proven guilty and all that) before he got on the bus. He didn't say anything to the driver who had turned him in as he was marched off.

The bus pulled away and no-one on the fairly full bus said anything. I don't know what happened to Frank Sinatra and I won't be following the local court news to find out. In my imagination, he'll break out of the police station and go on the rampage around Stoke, killing thousands of innocent civilians. I'll be able to tell my story on the inevitable documentary that will be on Channel Five.

Shirts vs Skins

When I use the bus, I like to imagine some of the other passengers are celebrities. Which celebrities they are is based loosely on who they look like. Today, for example, a larger woman with a sour face and short blonde hair became Pat Butcher. The woman sitting next to her was Bette Midler. The bus was mainly full of old women this morning. We were going to be guests on Paul O'Grady's show.

Sometimes we are go to a glamorous movie premiere, sometimes we just go over to Clooney's house to hang out. Lou Diamond Phillips (my nickname for him is "the Diamond") has us round to shoot some hoops (always shirts vs skins). Judge Reinhold hosts awesome pool parties. Jeremy Irons is a whizz at charades. I won't say what happens when we go to Charlie Sheen's place.

The Receipt Of Happiness

Looking through receipts makes me unashamedly nostalgic. It makes me think things like: remember the time I bought the Haim album (on day of release) and Season One of 'Girls' at the same time? Good times. Or even: remember how excited I was when I got the newly remastered 1962-1966 and 1967-1970 Beatles compilations (they sound slightly sharper than the previous CDs I had that cost a fraction of the price). Admittedly, most of the receipts I keep are from HMV so this is the kind of nostalgia I get. The receipts are generally chucked in the top drawer in the chest of drawers north-north-west in my room (you know the one) and get sorted through about once every six months, so I get a lot of this in a short space of time.

Occasionally, the memories are bad: like the time I bought the two disc special edition of the film 'Rust And Bone' and opened it (some months later – after the receipt would have expired) to find only one disc there (the bonus disc was nowhere to be found). I am still bitter about this. I could be positive and say at least I can still watch the film as I got the main disc. But no, I'm naturally negative and I really wanted to see those bonus features such as the exclusive BAFTA Q&A with Marion Cotillard, and to see if the director's comments are conducted in French with subtitles, over clips of the already subtitled film. I guess I'll never know now.

I'm Back, Baby

Not been on here for a while. In my absence my blog has had literally millions of views (erm...). No, I've been busy joining the 21st Century.

Firstly, I signed up for Spotify and used it about twice. Still counts.

Secondly, I also joined Netflix (via PS3). I've used it mainly for '24', 'Archer' and 'Portlandia'. Saved me a fortune in not having to buy DVD box sets.

I got a new phone too. It's not a smart phone, I'm not that up-to-date, and I don't need access to the internet all day long, but I can still use it for Twitter via text message. The things they can do nowadays, amazing.

That's about it, pretty much got the 21st Century sewn up now, I can take it easy for the next 87 years or so.

Parks and Recreation

I just want to mention 'Parks and Recreation' on BBC 4 (Wednesdays at 10pm), which I've been enjoying lately.

The show is into its 5th season in America, but it only just starting showing here about 2 months ago.

It's kind of like 'The Office' (not surprising as the show's creators previously worked on the American version of the show), but set in the titular government department in the town of Pawnee. It relies less on awkwardness and conflict for humour than 'The Office', which is probably for the best, as it helps it keep its own identity rather than look like a poor pastiche.

My favourite character is probably intern April, played by Aubrey Plaza, who shows no interest in her job and looks like she'd rather be anywhere else. Finally, a character on TV I can relate to.

Judge Reinhold

One time in my youth, my friends and I went to see 'Beverly Hills Cop 3' at the Odeon cinema in Stoke. It goes without saying that it's a pretty shit film, and at our post-film visit to McDonald's, one of my friends, let's call him Lou Diamond Phillips, was unusually angry about the film. And he seemed to be taking his blame out on Judge Reinhold in particular. "Fuck the Judge," Lou kept saying. "Fuck the Judge!"

Quite why Lou Diamond Phillips had it in for Judge Reinhold I don't know; in the 'Beverly Hills Cop' films, he's little more than a sappy side-kick for Eddie Murphy. Really, Eddie Murphy or the film's director should be the one getting the anger.

"Fuck the Judge!"

Anyway, a few weeks later, we were round at another friend's house watching TV, flicking through the channels, when a certain Judge Reinhold popped up. "Fuck the Judge," Lou Diamond Phillips said again.

On that day we made a pact that we have to say, out loud, even if there's other (non-pact member) people around, "Fuck the Judge". And this is if we're together as a group or on our own.

I still believe in the pact, although there was a several long gaps without sightings of Mr Reinhold, owing to a deterioration of the quality and size of films that he frequents presently, though he did guest in a few episodes of 'Arrested Development', much to my sweary delight.

Britpop On TV

The success of Britpop benefitted not only from the shake-up at Radio 1, but also from the arrival of several TV programmes, and the emergence in Britain of satellite TV in the early 90s.

I've already mentioned 'Britpop Now' and 'TFI Friday', but the most important music show in Britain was, of course, 'Top of the Pops' [TOTP]. TOTP was obviously based around what was successful in the charts in the time, meaning that it only reflected Britpop as it became more successful. That said, in 1997, when Chris Cowey took over as producer of the show, he instigated a live performance policy for artists appearing in the studio. In 1994, the BBC also launched 'Top of the Pops 2' [TOTP2], which, as an archive show, allowed (in theory) more space for newer artists on the main TOTP.

A major addition to music TV in Britain was 'Later... with Jools Holland', which began in 1992. It's clear looking through the list of episodes that from Series 4 in late 1994 up until about the end of Series 8 in late 1996, there was at least one "Britpop" artist on just about every episode.

Channel 4 responded with their own short-lived live music TV show, 'The White Room', which ran for 3 series throughout 1995 and 1996. This show was even more Britpop-heavy than Jools Holland's, though is perhaps best remembered for Iggy Pop performing 'Lust For Life' in see-through trousers. Host Mark Radcliffe introduces Iggy by asking "Will he get his knob out?" Producer Chris Cowey then moved to TOTP in 1997.

BBC also had music magazine show 'The O-Zone', which had been running since 1989 (and ran until 2000). In 1995 however, the show got re-launched with Jamie Theakston and Jayne Middlemiss as hosts. The show was primarily pop-based, though it did feature Britpop bands much more from 1995 onwards.

In 1992, Sky acquired the rights to show the new Premier League football. This lead to a massive increase in Britain to the number of people getting satellite TV, which in turn lead to increased viewers for MTV and VH-1, the two available music channels at the time. I can certainly remember Britpop videos being played extensively at the time, especially Oasis and Blur. I do not need to see the video for 'Wonderwall' or 'Don't Look Back In Anger' ever again.

All of these things happening definitely contributed to the public awareness and success of Britpop. Some were already there of course, and some were created or changed to reflect the success of and public interest in Britpop. And if you compare this time with the lack of music programming on terrestrial TV today (only Jools Holland and the odd show on Channel 4 remain), it is an indicator that a movement like Britpop could possibly never happen again in Britain, which is kind of sad.

Chris Evans

When looking back at Britpop, it's important to look at some of the influential people other than the bands.

One of the most important was Chris Evans. As Breakfast show presenter on Radio 1 (1995-1997), the then biggest show on British Radio, then later as host of 'TFI Friday' (1996-2000) on Channel 4, Evans was in a position where he could break bands into the public arena. One of the most famous of these were Ocean Colour Scene, when he used one of their songs ('The Riverboat Song') repeatedly during TFI Friday.

It is worth mentioning though that Evans did have a reputation as something of a "dadrocker", i.e. he seemed to favour the more retro Britpop bands such as Oasis, Ocean Colour Scene, Reef, Cast etc. Also, he seemed strangely obsessed with poor commercial music such as Texas. To this day, critics of his Radio 2 Breakfast Show make the same observations; it seems little has changed.

That said, Britpop was already well underway before Chris Evans jumped on the bandwagon. Personally, I see Evans as a "personality" DJ rather than a "music" DJ anyway, so I don't think it any great surprise that he was hardly on the cutting edge of music of the time. He was more into the "lad and ladette culture" side of the time I think rather than a hardcore music fan.

To be fair, he did champion bands like Pulp and Black Grape at the time though, and bands such as Gene and Longpigs did make it onto the show too so it wasn't all bad I guess.

If you really want to see what Evans was about on 'TFI Friday', you can see best of compilations on YouTube here.

Bobby Hill and Tony Scott RIP

Going on the internet a week or so ago, I was confronted with the following Bobby Hill-related question:

 

 

The answer is, of course, yes.

 

In sadder news, Tony Scott committed suicide in LA by jumping off a bridge. Unfortunately, when I went on Twitter, "#WellDone3" and "#fishsongs" were trending right underneath the trends relating to his death:

 

 

That is all.

The Problem With Vampires

Vampires don't cast reflections in mirrors. We all accept this to be true. But why don't their clothes reflect?

Also, why don't they wear some protection over their heart so you can't stake them?

Are they all idiots?

The UK Media's Fetishisation of the Military

As if watching 'Daybreak' in the morning isn't bad enough, this morning's features on Valentine's Day seemed to feature almost exclusively tales of women married to men in the armed forces and how they keep their love alive when their men are away.

Surely I can't be the only person getting sick of the increasingly fawning nature of the UK media, in particular the more-tabloidy and right-wing outlets, towards the miltary?

Everything revolves around "our brave boys". Countless documentaries about their work, awards ceremonies on ITV (the 'ITV Military Awards'), constant interviews with military wives, reality shows featuring military wives, songs released by military wives, albums released by serving personnel...

WTF is going wrong with the world? It's gotten to the point where any criticism of war or military procedure is seen as an attack on "our brave boys". Rumoured cuts of the armed forces (in line with cuts in the rest of the UK civil or public services) are viewed as an outrage against humanity, where as it's ok to make cuts elsewhere (like in the NHS) as the other services "need to be realistic" in these austere times. Stories of servicemen convicted of crimes like rape, murder, torture etc getting little public attention...

Well, I for one would have little problem cutting the armed forces in the UK. Mainland Britain hasn't been invaded for almost 1,000 years, and won't be invaded again (unless by aliens). There won't be another Nazi Germany. There's no need for Britain to have nuclear weapons. There's no need for Britain to have one of the biggest armed forces in the world.

Cut the military. Sell off the weapons, warships and tanks. Re-train any useful personnel to join the police force or fire and rescue services. Spend the money on the NHS and on public services. End this fetishisation of the military, and end it now.

That is all.

Sherlock

Watching the excellent 'Sherlock' on BBC One recently reminds me of the time I was 'talk of the town' for solving a murder.

I was doing work experience with Staffordshire Police in 199X and they let me go to murder scenes, mainly to make sure there was a plentiful supply of coffee and muffins. After this particular murder, the Police Officers let me go into the drawing room (in the castle where the murder had taken place) where all the suspects were gathered.

"Why don't you have this one," Detective Shanks said to me, patting me on the back. I quickly seized up the supects. Could it be the jealous wife? The mistress? The mistress's husband? The camp butler? I remebered the old saying that "it's always the one you least suspect"...

"The vicar did it," I said, turning and pointing to Reverend Jones, who was standing behind me playing table tennis with a young boy.

"That's ridiculous!" the vicar replied, looking around the drawing room, seeking support. A look of sadness then befell his face. "OK, fair cop guv, you got me..." he said. A look of defiance flashed upon his face. "And I'd do it again if I had to!" he said, shaking his fist in anger.

"Well done, dude," Detective Shanks said to me. Everyone crowded around to congratulate me, hugging me, giving me high-fives. At that moment, I was literally 'the man'. But as this was happening, the vicar climbed through an open window and escaped.

"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" the vicar shouted to us as he sped away on a scooter.

And the vicar was right, the Police never did take him alive. He crashed head on into a hovercraft just minutes later, his pitiful life ended. It took some of the shine off my glory, as far as I was concerned, but made it more exciting for everyone else. It was at that moment I decided solving murders wasn't for me; I would take French at A-Level instead.

2011: Faves

Albums

(1) Lykke Li, "Wounded Rhymes"

(2) St. Vincent, "Strange Mercy"

(3) Anna Calvi, "Anna Calvi"

(4) Laura Marling, "A Creature I Don't Know"

(5) Gillian Welch, "The Harrow and the Harvest"

Podcasts

(1) The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver (TimesOnline)

(2) SModcast, Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier (SModcast.com)

(3) The Adam and Joe Show, Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish (BBC 6Music)

(4) Sound Opinions, Jim DeRogatis and Greg Kot (WBEZ Chicago)

(5) Fighting Talk (BBC 5Live)

Radio

Hawksbee and Jacobs, talkSPORT

Songs

(1) Anna Calvi, 'Blackout'

(2) Laura Marling, 'Sophia'

(3) Alice Gold, 'Runaway Love'

(4) Emmy the Great, 'Dinosaur Sex'

(5) Laura Cantrell, 'Kitty Wells Dresses'

TV

(1) The Killing [Forbrydelsen], BBC Four

(2) The Killing II [Forbrydelsen II], BBC Four

(3) Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, BBC Two

(4) Spiral III [Engrenages III], BBC Four

(5) Fresh Meat, Channel 4

Highlight of the Year

Man Utd winning their 19th league title! Take that Liverpool you shit-munchers!

Twin Peaks

DVD: Twin Peaks, Definitive Gold Box Edition

Broadcast: 1990-1991 (USA)

A quirky FBI Special Agent. A weird small town. A murdered high school girl. A backwards-talking dwarf who used to be the arm of a bearded shoe salesman, who may himself be good or evil or have a split-personality. Annoying teenagers. Secrets a-plenty. A middle-aged woman who develops super-strength. Strange dreams. Cherry pie and coffee. Incest. A crying Policeman. Strange dancing. Double-crossing women. Triple-crossing women. A cross-dressing pre-Mulder David Duchovny. Drug-smuggling. A woman who carries a (talking?) log around with her. Billy Zane in a rubbish wig. An evil genius. A cliffhanger ending. The best soundtrack ever on film or TV.

Welcome to Twin Peaks, perhaps the greatest TV show ever made.

Rating: 5/5