2011 Music Round-Up

Alela Diane, "Alela Diane & Wild Divine"

This album is a step foward. Because there's like drums on the songs. Or something.

4.5/5

Alice Gold, "Seven Rainbows"

Who is Alice Gold and where did she come from? Nobody knows.

4/5

Claire Maguire, "Light After Dark"

Good singer let down by some poor synth-pop backing and lame lyrics. She is a brummie, though.

2.5/5

Gillian Welch, "The Harrow & The Harvest"

Another excellent album from Gillian and partner Dave Rawlings. That's what you're supposed to say about this. Mainly because it's true.

4.5/5

Jessie J, "Who You Are"

Disappointing album. Nice haircut, though.

2/5

Joan As Police Woman, "The Deep Field"

Is it rock? Pop? Soul? Nobody knows.

4/5

Jolie Holland + The Grand Chandeliers, "Pint of Blood"

What does Jolie Holland sing like when she is drunk? Maybe she sings normally then.

3.5/5

Katy B, "On A Mission"

Good album let down by some of the worst, most cliche-ridden lyrics imaginable.

3/5

Lady Gaga, "Born This Way"

How is Lady Gaga so successful? Nobody knows. A poor man's Ke$ha. Yeah, I said it.

2/5

Laura Cantrell, "Kitty Wells Dresses"

The queen of neoclassical country takes on the queen of country. Or something.

4/5

Laura Marling, "A Creature I Don't Know"

Laura Marling's best album yet. And she's still only 7 years old. Or something.

4.5/5

Lucinda Williams, "Blessed"

Solid if unspectacular album from the undisputed queen of country rock. Or something.

3/5

Nicki Minaj, "Pink Friday"

Disappointing, considering all of the hype. Still better than anything by 50 Cent.

2.5/5

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12 (Wii)

Platform: Wii

Released: 2011

There's a great new feature on Tiger Woods 12 where you can play as Tiger Woods's (ex-)wife and chase him with a golf club as he attempts to get away from you. The Wii remote really comes into its own on this feature; as you swing it, you can see Tiger's wife swing the club at Tiger's head. It's really good.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking: "Golf sucks ass!" And you're partly right. But if you ever want to get a golf game, this is the one to get. Really.

Rating: 4.5/5

Queen Mother Extended Lunch Break

I remember going to the local newsagent's after the Queen Mother died and that there was a post-it note on the counter saying that the shop would be closed on the day of the Queen Mother's funeral to pay its respects to her. But only between 11:30am and 1:30pm. Which sounds more like an extended lunch break to me. :)

Could Finish

Apropos of nothing, possibly my favourite ever bad taste newspaper headline was one that accompanied a story about the death of Princess Margaret in 2002 saying that the pain from Margaret's death "COULD FINISH OFF THE QUEEN MOTHER"...

The funny thing is that the Queen Mother did indeed die about six weeks later. :(

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

Platform: Wii

I remember when the first Call of Duty game came out, it was in 1953 I think. There was uproar of course, given that WW2 had just finished. People just weren't ready for a game where you go around shooting people.

The graphics were very basic back then, very "blocky". The online play was slow, and some people felt uncomfortable if they had to play as the Nazis. Having to use an old fashioned d-pad with only one button didn't help the gameplay as well.

All that's changed now. The previous [Wii] game in the series, 'Black Ops', made up for a rather straightforward single player campaign with a good story and superb online play including a good range of weapons and pretty good maps that don't play too much into the hands of "campers", the scourge of online FPSs. The graphics weren't great but they were clear; you couldn't blame the graphics for getting killed.

What's first noticeable about 'MW3' is that the graphics are much better than on 'Black Ops'. The single player campaign is still pretty easy though, and unlike on the Wii's other major FPS 'Goldeneye', you can't really choose what tactics to employ when playing the game, it's pretty much all laid out for you, almost like a rail-shooter.

How about the online? There lies the problem with this game. There's now more maps (16 compared to 14 on 'Black Ops' and 8 on 'Goldeneye'), but most of them are too big. The maps themselves are much more complex than on 'Black Ops' (lots more buildings), but this just leads to lots of people camping and not really getting involved in the game properly, especially in the objective game modes, meaning it can be incredibly frustrating to play. The graphics are very good for the Wii, but there's way too many dark places where people hide. Also, the balancing of the teams when playing online is terrible; most games are wildly unbalanced because one team seems to get all the best players, even in the games that don't allow parties. There's a fair range of guns but many of them are useless, and the weapons upgrade/attachments system isn't as simple or effective as on 'Black Ops' or 'Goldeneye'.

Ultimately, this game is decent but much less enjoyable than 'Black Ops'. The single player campaign isn't terrible but not anywhere near as interesting either story-wise or in terms of gameplay, and the same goes for the online multiplayer.

Rating: 3/5

Chris Waddle

There's a story I've heard about former footballer Chris Waddle. Before he made it as a footballer, he drove to a job interview on his bike/scooter.

Arriving at his destination, he went to take his bike helmet off. Except he couldn't, try as he might. So he had to do the job interview with his helmet on.

I don't know if he got the job. :(

Classic Quotes

No. 1: Liam Gallagher

"I'm not silly. I've got 4 GCSEs."

Worst Bands Ever. Fact.

Just so you know where I'm coming from. And so you know if you have a bad taste in music. These are the worst bands ever. FACT.

(1) U2

(2) Coldplay

(3) Kiss

(4) Bon Jovi

(5) Red Hot Chili Peppers

George Pringle: "Salon des Refusés"

Artist: George Pringle

Album: Salon des Refusés

Released: 2009

Have you ever wanted to hear an album that features a young, fairly posh English woman (with a man's name) talking? And not just talking, but talking over simple, repetitive electronic music created on a computer? Featuring lines such as "isn't Buenos Aires fabulous"? An album that's only available as a download, not even released on CD? Of course you haven't, that sounds like it would be terrible!

I used to think like that, I really did. It seemed like the sensible thing to do. But then I heard George Pringle's album! This is a work of insane genius, the most improbably brilliant album of recent times. I don't know how it worked, but it did.

Random Lyrics:

"You don't have to work at HMV, when you write so beautifully"

"I've got no friends, but I speak French"

Best Song: Bonjour Tristesse

Rating: 5/5

The Concept Mixtape

You know you've got too much spare time on your hands when you start considering making concept mixtapes. A normal mixtape just doesn't feel enough. You need to do one where all the songs are about cars (to listen to in the car) or all the songs are from the same year.

Maybe the songs all have violins on them. Maybe all the artists are Swedish. Maybe the songs all begin with a drum intro. Maybe all the singers have beards. Or maybe they're all side-projects.

Sometimes you don't have enough songs to fill up a whole tape. Which means something else, something maybe even more ambitious: the double concept mixtape. One side of songs about travelling, one side of songs about home. One side of male solo artists, one side of females... the possibilities are endless.

Facts of the Day: Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson has been in the news a lot of late, offending everyone with his crazy right wing views. As usual. So here are some essential facts about the man.



(1) Jeremy once beat up a robot to prove man is better than machine.

(2) Jeremy once beat a woman at thumb wrestling to prove men are better than women.

(3) Jeremy once tried to fellate himself but got nowhere near.

(4) Jeremy believes that his God is the right one.

(5) Jeremy thinks that gay people aren't as good at driving as he is.

Join Us!

Bullied at school? Did they steal your money, flush your head down the toilet or put things in your pants?

Here's your chance to get some sweet revenge.

Join THE ARMY today and learn how to become a ruthless one man killing machine.

THE ARMY!

Revenge has never been this simple and/or cheap.

C'mon, join us... our numbers are growing.

WARNING: after turning you into a one man killing machine, The Army may callously dump you back, unprepared, into an uncaring and hateful society, like in that film with Sylvester Stallone or something.

Colin Montgomerie Apologises

In a televised statement, golfer Colin Montgomerie has given a public apology for his "grumpy and surly" behaviour, which he admits sometimes includes swear words. "I know I have disappointed a lot of people," said the Scotsman, dressed in dungarees and a bobble hat. "I am sorry for all I have done.

The statement was Montgomerie's first public appearance since November when he crashed a hovercraft outside his home near to Dundee. The came days after it was reported he publicly shouted at a McDonalds employee after she had mistakenly given him a Happy Meal instead of a Big Mac Meal. Reports then came out that he had also been involved in angry shouting matches with a New York club hostess, an actress and a reality TV star.

"I had tantrums, I swore. What I did was wrong, and I am the only person to blame... Although having people shout 'Mrs Doubtfire' at me all the time is pretty annoying."

Montgomerie's appearance at Keele Golf Club's clubhouse was carefully managed. There was an audience of about 18 hand-picked journalists and family members, as well as locals who drifted in from the cold weather outside. Members of the media were not allowed to ask questions, but locals were allowed to shout abuse at Monty so he could show that it doesn't bother him anymore.

Montgomerie read slowly from a prepared statement. He showed control throughout, occasionally bursting into fits of laughter, especially when talking about the Suez Canal Crisis and his good friend Lionel Blair. After finishing speaking, he embraced his mother and other members of the audience, including Jimmy Tarbuck and Ronnie Corbett. Montgomerie thanked his wife for her support. "As Mrs Monty pointed out to me, my grumpiness will not be solved with my words, but with my behaviour."

Colin Montgomerie, yesterday

Montgomerie also announced that he hoped that Raelism would form part of his path to recovery. "I've lost touch with my Raelian roots," he explained. "I haven't worshipped a UFO or alien for years."

The highly managed conditions of the press conference prompted many magazines, including Puzzler and Knave, to boycott the event. Puzzler editor Jim Diesel explained: "We'll still cover the event, but if we're just going to be standing in the room like mongs, we may as well stay at home and watch it on the telly." Former Big Match Live presenter Elton Welsby also criticised the way Monty controlled the news conference. "He might as well have smeared his statement in shit on the clubhouse walls," he said.

Although Montgomerie's wife was not present at the press conference, his mother, Morag Montgomerie, did attend and spoke to reporters. "I am upset at the way the media and fans have treated him over the years, just because he's big and has got 'nan's hair'," Mrs Montgomerie said. "They have treated him like a criminal. He hasn't done anything illegal, he hasn't killed anyone. Apart from the time he did kill someone. But that was self-defence, it happened a long time ago, and he served his time for that."

Monty's statement came during the Povey's Oatcakes Trentham Open Championship. Povey's Oatcakes is among the companies that has ended its sponsorship of the Scot. Povey's Oatcakes spokesman Steve Armstrong did not think that the statement would be a distraction from the tournament.

Although Povey's Oatcakes have ended theis sponsorship of the golfer, other companies, such as Tunstall Assurance and Beswick's Pottery continue to sponsor him. Wright's Pies issued a statement saying that it would stop airing commercials featuring the golfer for a while, but not for too long because Montgomerie, as well as appearing in the company's adverts, is also their best customer and they don't want to annoy him too much.

St. Vincent: "Strange Mercy"

Released: 2011

[Insert review over-enthusing about how good this album is, partly to make up for the fact our website/magazine/newspaper didn't give that great a review to the last St. Vincent album, a record we now realise was a modern masterpiece but we didn't realise that at the time, mainly because it wasn't hyped so much before its release so we didn't pay enough attention to it.]

Best Song: Year of the Tiger

Rating: 5/5

Leek Landmarks (2)

No. 2: Bombay Bob's

What better way to eat during a visit to Leek than by stuffing your face full of chip shop cuisine? Bombay Bob (real name: Bombay Robin Williams) offers a wide-range of fat-based meals from chips to chips and gravy. Bob also tried getting in on the take-away curry and pizza game but that hasn't really worked out and has meant that he's had to put the business up for sale. Several people are interested including Cockey Pete and Vegas Vince.

UPDATE: Bombay Bob has now sold out to a chinese family and the outlet has been renamed Emperor's Court.

Just Add Lemons!

There's an old saying: "When life serves you lemons, make lemonade!"

I prefer to think of it as: "When life serves you lemons, slice them up and add them as decoration to a glass of gin and tonic."

I'm not obsessed by gin or anything.

Gin/Hat

Had a dream where someone said to me:

"Don't pour your gin in another man's hat."

Is this a real saying? If so, what does it mean?

Twin Peaks

DVD: Twin Peaks, Definitive Gold Box Edition

Broadcast: 1990-1991 (USA)

A quirky FBI Special Agent. A weird small town. A murdered high school girl. A backwards-talking dwarf who used to be the arm of a bearded shoe salesman, who may himself be good or evil or have a split-personality. Annoying teenagers. Secrets a-plenty. A middle-aged woman who develops super-strength. Strange dreams. Cherry pie and coffee. Incest. A crying Policeman. Strange dancing. Double-crossing women. Triple-crossing women. A cross-dressing pre-Mulder David Duchovny. Drug-smuggling. A woman who carries a (talking?) log around with her. Billy Zane in a rubbish wig. An evil genius. A cliffhanger ending. The best soundtrack ever on film or TV.

Welcome to Twin Peaks, perhaps the greatest TV show ever made.

Rating: 5/5

Leek Landmarks (1)

No. 1: The Old Abandoned Cinema

The old abandoned cinema, near to Kwik Fit, is one of Leek's great memorials to the past. Despite having been closed since the mid-1980s, it is still a popular topic of conversation for the many people in Leek who can talk.

Many a classic film was shown here over the years such as 'Ghostbusters', 'The Care Bears Movie' and the classic British comedy 'Carry On Badger-Baiting'.

Rumour has it that Elizabeth Taylor once visited the cinema in the days before she went rubbish and started hanging out with Michael Jackson. The rumour was later found to have been made up by a young girl. The girl was sacrificed to the corn gods to appease their anger.

UPDATE: Both the cinema and Kwik Fit no longer exist having been destroyed to make way for some wasteland.

Anna Calvi: "Anna Calvi"

Released: 2011

Anna Calvi is from London, which can mean only one thing: Danny Dyer needs to review this album.

"Do I look like a mug? Cus I is a cockerney geezer ya fink I is gonna give it all that about any old London shite? Yeah? Whatevs, I'll do it one facking last time you slags. Anna Calvi, never 'eard of 'er. Quite tasty, like. Yeah, I could like this bird, deffo. Don't know about the fackin' music though, too much fackin' faffin' about. Get rid of the flamenco bollocks for a start, that went out about 200 fackin' years ago or sumfin. An' put the geetar away luv, no-one likes a tart on an instrument. Put some fackin' hotpants on and dance for it, like Kylie or Beyonce or shit like that. Now fack off. I'm tryin' to make a film about cockerney fackin' gangstas or some shit like that. You're a big bunch of slags, all of yer, and you're all gettin' right on my nut. Sometimes I get so lonely."

Best Song: Blackout

Rating: 4.5/5

Brandi Carlile: "The Story"

Released: 2007

I've managed to get hold of a journalist's handy guide to reviewing a Brandi Carlile album, in 5 easy steps, which is given out to all music reviewers. Here it is:

(1) Mention the phrase "singer-songwriter" about once a paragraph.

(2) You've got to include the fact that Elton John is a big fan.

(3) The songs (and album as a whole) should be described as "well crafted".

(4) She may or may not be gay, so try to interpret at least one song from this perspective.

(5) Give the album somewhere between 3 and 4 out of 5, or 7 out of 10.

Best Song: Late Morning Lullaby

Rating: 4/5

Cher Lloyd: "Sticks + Stones"

Released: 2011

A minor member of the Royal Family visited my middle school once. No-one was that bothered about it, as no-one had ever heard of her. Furthermore, we had to stand outside on the rugby field in freezing cold weather. And then it started pissing it down. For an hour it was like this until the helicopter landed, and then the minor royal walked passed us all and straight into the school.

Cher Lloyd lost out in the [UK] X Factor a year or so ago, then waited a year to bring out her debut album. In the meantime, the NME included her on their cool list. Which says more about the NME than anything else. Anyway, you know an album is gonna be shit when the first song features Busta Rhymes as the guest rapper. (Incidentally, there are lots of rumours on the internet about Busta Rhymes, try looking for them!) There's maybe two or three decent songs here. Must try harder, see me after school, etc.

Best Song: Dub on the Track

Rating: 1.5/5

Lissie: "Catching A Tiger"

Released: 2010

I caught a tiger once, in 2005. He was livid. "Let me go, yer bastard," he protested.

Why did I do it? Money, of course. It’s always money.

"Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it," said the tiger.

"But you haven't got any money, you're a tiger," I said.

"C'mon, you know I'm good for it. We go way back, you and me."

"I've never met you before today."

"OK," said the tiger. "How about I bite someone for you? I'm really good at biting things."

"Like who?" I asked.

"Anyone you want."

"How about Tony Blairs," I said.

"Who is Tony Blairs?"

"He's only the President of England," I said. "And, by default, Europe."

"OK, I'll do it, it's a deal," said the tiger.

And so I let the tiger out of the cage. We said our goodbyes and he went on his way. He never did bite Tony Blairs like he promised. There's still time, I guess. He could still do it.

I sometimes wonder where the tiger is now and what he's doing. I hope he's hunting down Tony Blairs, but he's probably slacking off somewhere playing video games. That's what the young people do nowadays. Wasn't like that in my day, of course.

Best Song: Stranger

Rating: 4.5/5

Facts of the Day: Carlos Tevez

Carlos Tevez has been in the footballing news of late, what with him refusing to warm-up for Man City (allegedly) and then scarpering to Argentina. Here are some essential facts you may need to know should you ever enter into a conversation about the man himself.

(1) Carlos's hero is Jimmy Nail in the film 'Evita'.

(2) In restaurants in Argentina, it is considered an insult to tip Carlos Tevez.

(3) Carlos Tevez is still illegal in some states in America.

(4) In Shanghai, it is often quicker to travel by Carlos Tevez than by car!

(5) Carlos once tried to grow a moustache but it didn't take. He believes it failed because of the lack of sunlight in England.

Welcome To Leek

Yeah, I live in a town called Leek. What's that, you've never heard of it? OK, I guess I'll have to tell you about it.



Located in the Staffordshire Moorlands in England's "Midlands", Leek is a small town of little diversity or culture. There is one book shop. There used to be a Woolworth's in Leek but it closed down, and there is an area called Trafalgar Square, which is actually more of a triangle, each side being around 10 centimetres in length. Although a town, Leek is actually an allegory about the disintegration of the British Empire.



A typical house in Leek


Conventional religion has been frowned upon in Leek for quite some time and our residents worship the corn. This was introduced many years ago although no-one can remember why.

When entering Leek, there are many local traditions that should observed. There must be no mention of the outside world. No-one who lives in Leek can ever escape so it's pointless getting the locals excited with exotic tales of "Olde London Town", "Paris" or "Stoke-on-Trent". Also, top hats must never be worn!

There are countless things to do in Leek. You could go to a pub. You could play pool or darts. In a pub. You could do some karaoke. In a pub. Alternatively, if you want do do something different, you could go out for a pub meal. Fighting is an optional extra at all pubs in Leek.

So why not pay us a visit? You have quite literally got nothing to lose! Apart from your temper. And sense of rhythm.

The Beatles, Part II

Some of the compilation albums that are/should still be available. And if not, you could always get them second hand on Amazon. So there.

1962-1966 aka "The Red Album" (1973)

Does what it says on the tin. And leaves off the weak ballads that blighted the early Beatles albums.

Best Song: Help!

Rating: 5/5

1967-1970 aka "The Blue Album" (1973)

This is what I'm talkin' about, Willis. A compilation of most of the best bits of their best albums, how could this fail? Answer: it can't.

Best Song: Strawberry Fields Forever

Rating: 5/5

Past Masters, Volume One (1988)

A compilation of a-sides, b-sides and some other stuff (alternate mixes etc). Not bad but not great.

Best Song: She Loves You

Rating: 3/5

Past Masters, Volume Two (1988)

The current reissues have volumes one and two together. Which is nice. The phrase "for completists only" was probably invented for these two volumes, if you get/have "1962-1966" and "1967-1970", or the "1" album, there's no real need for you to get these.

Best Song: Revolution

Rating: 4/5

Anthology 1 (1995)

Pointless. If you want rubbish early songs or five takes of the same song for a ridiculous amount of money, you need to get a life. And that's me saying that.

Best Song: She Loves You

Rating: 1/5

Anthology 2 (1996)

See the above. Waste of time and money.

Best Song: Strawberry Fields Forever

Rating: 1.5/5

Anthology 3 (1996)

Why they couldn't have put together the best bits of the Anthology series onto one album, I'll never know. Nor will anyone else. Unless you do know. In which case the answer is probably money-related.

Best Song: While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Rating: 1.5/5

Yellow Submarine Songtrack (1999)

A compilation of all the songs featured in the film, rather than the earlier soundtrack album which featured only the new songs and some orchestral pieces, this is actually pretty good. It's worth getting on the cheap (i.e. second hand) as a nice little compilation album, or if you can't bring yourself to buy the earlier poor soundtrack album.

Best Song: Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

Rating: 4/5

1 (2000)

If you don't have "1962-1966" and "1967-1970", this is the perfect summary of/introduction to The Beatles hits. Compiles the number one singles for the UK and US, then throws some other classics in as well. What more could you want? Answer: nothing.

Best Song: Help!

Rating: 5/5

Let It Be... Naked (2003)

Whatever your feelings of going back to remix original recordings so extensively, this is better than the original album, mainly due to the removal of Phil Spector's orchestral add-ons. We'll have to take Paul MCartney's word that this was how the songs were meant to be. John Lennon certainly disagreed with him. At least they didn't add anything new or mess with the songs too much...

Best Song: The Long And Winding Road

Rating: 3.5/5

Love (2006)

An abomination, pure and simple. "Let It Be... Naked" was tough to swallow, but at least it sounded like The Beatles. Mashing-up various Beatles songs for a circus show is a step too far. Don't buy this album. Or I will hurt you.

Best Song: Here Comes The Sun

Rating: 0.5/5

The Beatles, Part I

The studio albums. The proper ones. Not the weird ones released in America. Apart from "Magical Mystery Tour", obviously.

Please Please Me (1963)

Before The Beatles, there was no music. Just noise. This was where music began. Elvis was rubbish.

Best Song: Please Please Me

Rating: 4/5

With The Beatles (1963)

The Beatles invented the good album with their debut. Then invented the second album slump (aka "the difficult second album") with their follow up. Ruined by the sappy ballads.

Best Song: All My Loving

Rating: 2/5

A Hard Day's Night (1964)

Back on the upturn, this semi-soundtrack album is once again set back by the ballads.

Best Song: A Hard Day's Night

Rating: 3/5

Beatles For Sale (1964)

A bunch of crappy ballads with the odd good song. Notice a pattern here?

Best Song: Eight Days A Week

Rating: 2/5

Help! (1965)

It's easy to forget how many saccharine ballads The Beatles actually made in the early years. Unless you listen to the albums. Or read this. Enlivened by some guitar pop classics (Help!, Ticket To Ride).

Best Song: Help!

Rating: 3/5

Rubber Soul (1965)

The Beatles start to progress their sound. Then add some rubbish ballads to fill up the album. When will they learn? Led Zeppelin would never do that.

Best Song: Norwegian Wood

Rating: 3/5

Revolver (1966)

The first great album. Ever.

Best Song: Tomorrow Never Knows

Rating: 5/5

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967)

What can you say about Sgt Pepper that hasn't been said before? Well, that it wasn't even the best Beatles album released in 1967. And that it sags in the middle (Within You, Without You is the worst ever Beatles song.) The rest is genius of course, but it could have been even better...

Best Song: A Day In The Life

Rating: 5/5

Magical Mystery Tour (1967)

Featuring songs from the film and a bunch of singles and b-sides, this is probably the most consistently good (and weird, in a good way) Beatles album. Yeah, you read that right! I wrote it! What are you gonna do about it?It's got their best ever song (Strawberry Fields Forever) and many other inventive bits of melodic nonsense (I Am The Walrus). If only some of these songs had been included on Sgt Pepper...

Best Song: Strawberry Fields Forever

Rating: 5/5

The Beatles aka "The White Album" (1968)

Ringo Starr said that this would have been better as a single album without some of the rubbish. He was right. If only people listened to him more often.

Best Song: Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Rating: 4/5

Yellow Submarine (1969)

Another soundtrack. And a rubbish one at that.

Best Song: Only A Northern Song

Rating: 2/5

Abbey Road (1969)

Almost brilliant, let down by some very weak efforts (Oh! Darling, Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Because). Does feature Ringo Starr's only ever good Beatles song, Octopus's Garden.

Best Song: Here Comes The Sun

Rating: 4.5/5

Let It Be (1970)

Or: How To Go Out On A Whimper. Blame Phil Spector.

Best Song: Across the Universe

Rating: 3/5

The Monkey

A monkey lives in the tree near my bedroom window. It jumps across to my roof sometimes and talks to me. "You're an idiot," he says to me often.

He doesn't mean it of course. I'm smarter than the monkey and he knows it. I've got 4 A-Levels. He's got no formal education. "I went to the University of Life," he tells me.

The monkey doesn't like Bon Jovi. "If Jon Bon Jovi came into my tree, and tried to eat my bananas, I'd be like, 'Get Out! Get out of here you MOR mullet-rocker! Or, I'll hurt you! I'll hurt you bad!'"

The monkey also doesn't like moustaches. "I used to live in a tree next to the house of a man whose surname was Beard," explains the monkey. "Except he had a 'tache. I mean, what the fuck?"

Sometimes, the monkey wears clothes. "I was inspired by the PG Tips adverts. I like bowler hats and hot pants."

"Everyone likes hot pants," I reply.

England 1-0 Spain

Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Salvador Dali, Placido Domingo, Julio Iglesias, Sergio Garcia, Fernando Alosno, Pedro Almodovar - your boys took one hell of a beating!

In case you don't follow football (why not?), Spain are the best team in the world. Current World and European champions, they tear apart all they face. Apart, of course, from the mighty England. (And Portugal. And Italy. And Switzerland.) Yeah, you read that right, England. Mediocre England. Who've been largely rubbish for about 40 years.

I could say England outfoxed Spain, they outplayed them, surprised them tactically, outpassed and outclassed them. But that would be a lie. England got lucky and scored from their one good chance. Whatever, I don't like Spain anyway. It's like England in the 1970s (lots of bad TV and racism) but with better weather. And without the good music. So screw 'em. Same goes to Australia, for similar reasons.

PES 2012

Platform: Wii

Released: 2011

Remember when Coca-Cola brought out New Coke? No, of course you don't, because you're under 40 years old. OK, remember when you saw some minor celebrities talking on some crappy TV show about how they remember when Coca-Cola brought out New Coke? (Although they were probably told about it and shown some clips just before they recorded their bit and didn't really remeber it at all. TV - lying to us all the time.) Anyway, the point was that New Coke was supposed to be better. It tasted better, it was sweeter, and the focus groups said they preferred it to regular Coca-Cola. The reality was that it didn't really work. No-one wanted the change and most people didn't like it when it came. Coca-Cola ended up having to bring back the old drink as Coke Classic.

Which brings me to PES 2012. PES 2011 was the first good football game on the Wii. Better than the previous poor showings in the series on the Wii and better than the improving but still slightly rubbish FIFA games. Konami basically just replicated the old PS2 PES games for the Wii, but made the AI better and added a few new features.

With PES 2012, Konami promise us the "most realistic football experience to date". It is "the definitive football title". How have Konami done this? They've started by replicating PES 2011 almost identically. All the features are still there (Champions League, Copa Libertadores, Master League etc), the online play is still a bit dodgy, and the computer controlled teams are better still. All sounds good. However, it's now harder to pass the ball. It goes astray a LOT. Sometimes, the ball sprays around all over the shop. Simple passes go behind the man you're passing to, and players seem to run into each other for no good reason. The pitches seem too big if you try to play a formation that isn't really narrow (my patented 3-4-1-2 formation is useless) and it's hard to get a good passing game going. It's incredibly frustrating and a lot of goals come from dispossessing the computer teams near their own goal or from set pieces. Which isn't a lot of fun.

Maybe Konami should just reissue PES 2011 as PES Classic and be done with it.

It's still better than FIFA 12 though.

Rating: 2.5/5

Lykke Li: "Wounded Rhymes"

Released: 2011

Fuck Bono. Fuck U2. Fuck Coldplay. Fuck Radio 1. Fuck McDonalds. Fuck the Gap. Fuck The X-Factor. Fuck Facebook. Fuck Twitter. Fuck the Royal Family. Fuck the 4-4-2. Fuck ITV. Fuck David Cameron. Fuck Tesco. Fuck Michael Bay. Fuck Red Bull. Fuck Ibiza. Fuck Apple. Fuck iTunes. Fuck The Daily Mail.

Choose life. Choose Lykke Li. Choose "Wounded Rhymes".

Best Song: Youth Knows No Pain

Rating: 5/5

Beady Eye: "Different Gear, Still Speeding"

Released: 2011

One day, Liam Gallagher looked around at his retro rock band Oasis and decided that he wanted a more modern sound. So he left them set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river, across which lay the 21st Century.

The river was wide and swift, and Liam stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

 

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

 

"Hello Mr Frog!" shouted Liam across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr Gallagher! How do I know that if I try to help you, you won't start your usual monkeyman antics, which will in turn cause me to drown?" asked the frog.

"Because," Liam replied, "If I caused you to drown, then I would die too, for you see, I cannot swim on my own!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked, "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed Liam. "But then I wouldn't be able to get a modern sound and I'll stay a 60s-inspired retro rocker forever!"

"How do I know you won't just wait until we get to the other side and THEN beat me up?" asked the frog.

"Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with a beating would it?!"

 

So the frog agreed to take Liam Gallagher across the river to the 21st Century. He crawled onto the frog's back and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so that Liam would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

 

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a thud on the back of his head, and out of the corner of his eye, saw Liam Gallagher punching him. A deadening numbness began to creep into the frog's limbs.

 

"You fool!" croaked the frog. "Now we shall both die and you will be a retro loser forever and never get a modern sound! Why on earth did you do that?"

Liam shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back. "I couldn't help myself. I am Liam Gallagher."

 

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river and Liam Gallagher forever remained a retro rocker endlessly ripping off 1960s music.

Best Song: Four Letter Word

Rating: 2/5