Shirts vs Skins

When I use the bus, I like to imagine some of the other passengers are celebrities. Which celebrities they are is based loosely on who they look like. Today, for example, a larger woman with a sour face and short blonde hair became Pat Butcher. The woman sitting next to her was Bette Midler. The bus was mainly full of old women this morning. We were going to be guests on Paul O'Grady's show.

Sometimes we are go to a glamorous movie premiere, sometimes we just go over to Clooney's house to hang out. Lou Diamond Phillips (my nickname for him is "the Diamond") has us round to shoot some hoops (always shirts vs skins). Judge Reinhold hosts awesome pool parties. Jeremy Irons is a whizz at charades. I won't say what happens when we go to Charlie Sheen's place.

Hulk Hogan Germany

In Germany on the school exchange programme, one of my friends, who I will call Kenny Rogers, went to a birthday party with his German exchange partner. Sadly, my exchange partner Felix wasn't invited so I didn't get to go. Entertainment at the party was not a magician, nor someone making balloon animals. No, there was a German Hulk Hogan lookalike, who operated under the name Hulk Hogan Germany. And not Hulk Hogan Deutschland as you might expect.

I don't know if Hulk Hogan Germany was an officially licensed lookalike. Or if such a thing exists. Kenny Rogers never asked; it would almost certainly have been my first question had I been there. Yes or no, my response would have been "Awesome" in a Beavis and Butt-Head stylee. My second question would have asked why isn't he called Hulk Hogan Deutschland.

I don't know if Hulk Hogan Germany was a body builder anyway, and someone said to him one day, "Hey, you kinda look like Hulk Hogan," or if he bulked himself up to look like Hulk. I don't know if he was bald either, or shaved his head to look bald (now that would be commitment), or just never took off the bandana so you can't tell. There are more questions than answers here, that's for sure, and Kenny Rogers has never given me adequate responses to my many requests for informaton. If I ever get a time machine, going back and getting answers to these questions will be a priority.

Always A Pencil And Never A Pen

I was always slightly envious of those kids at school who always turned up without a bag. They normally kept a small pencil in their pocket (always a pencil and never a pen), generally from a betting shop or Argos, that they would use if they ever needed to write their name on anything, or to stab someone a bit on the arm.

These kids were of course the bullies, or the really stupid kids who were mates with the bullies. I wasn't envious of their lifestyle, nor did I want to end up in prison at any point in my life as they invariably would do, I just liked the fact that they didn't have to carry a bag around all day. Got pretty annoying to be honest.

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

I sometimes set myself goals at work. Not involving my actual work, that would be boring.

Yesterday my goal was to convince someone that if you planted crisps in the ground, you can grow potatoes. I can't say for certain that I succeeded but I certainly got at least one person giving it some serious thought.

Yesterday was also one of the most famous Beatles songs, though one of the more boring ones in my opinion. Sometimes when I listen to songs, I like to imagine my own music video to go with it. For 'Yesterday', I always imaging something in black and white with Anna Karina in it.

Now Anna Karina was one of the most awesome French actresses, perhaps even the most awesome French actress, even though she's really Danish. There are literally thousands of pictures of her on Tumblr looking beautiful and cool and often smoking cigarettes (like French actresses have a tendency to do in photographs). I know this because I've reblogged many of them to my own page.

And as for Tumblr…

My Tumblr Porn Blog Hell

If nothing else, the above is probably the best title of any blog post I've ever done.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that I'm on Tumblr. Nor to say that it's probably the best social network website. Mainly because you can be on it, have fun and not have to have any interactions with anyone else on there if you don't want to.

Anyway, I'm the restless sort who likes to change their theme and blog title on a semi-regular basis. I don't want anyone looking at pictures of French actresses or whatever I post (it's mainly French actresses to be honest) on my Tumblr to get bored if they come back for repeat viewings.

One thing I never changed, until a few months ago, was the blog address. I was quite happy with faustblog.tumblr for well over a year since I joined. Eventually though, I got bored of that too and changed it.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was at a loose end and thought I'd check out my old address to see if anyone else had taken it. It turns out someone had. Someone with an interest in pictures of women with big tits. 

If you really want to, you can see it here if you must. I just want to make it clear that it has nothing to do with me.

Let's Play In Our Pants!

On the subject of impromptu games of football, I remember one game in particular. It was the summer of 1999, and some friends (who I shall call John, Paul, George, Ringo, Pete and Yoko) and I had got tickets to see 'Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace' for a Sunday evening showing.

We had decided to make a day of it. We went to Yoko's house for an afternoon barbecue. I clearly remember dropping two plates in the kitchen and breaking them. Good times.

Being big Star Wars fans, we were pretty pumped up for the new film. Pete had got a football out and started to do some tricks. Did we have time for a game? Yes, we did. However, we were dressed up somewhere between formal and casual, we didn't want to get grass stains on our clothes. Let's play in our pants! Yes, that makes perfect sense.

I don't remember whose idea it was to play in just our pants (it wasn't mine), but we did so anyway. After a while, you get used to it anyway, and it seems like the most normal thing in the world. Which of course, it is. A good time was had by all, but we were all sweaty now with muddy feet. Time for showers.

Even though it was Yoko's house, and he had two showers, he was the last one in. I remember him being fairly pissed off about this.

We got to the cinema and watched the film. It sucked and it destroyed our childhood. Still, the day has some good memories at least.

Witness Relocation

If I ever get to see a mob hit, then testify in court in exchange for witness protection and have to be relocated (and I hope to one day), I'd want to live on the coast somewhere.

I want a place not too close to a lighthouse, but not too far away either. On summer evenings, I'd invite locals over to play football in the garden. The lighthouse would make a useful though intermittent floodlight if any games went on into the night.

Afterwards we would retire to my study for brandy. We would have a good laugh and tell stories of great goals we've scored over the years, but lament our now decaying bodies and dodgy knees.

I've tried to increase my chances of this happening by spying on people I determine to be potential murderers and mob bosses, but so far nothing. I shall keep on the case.

Saturday Morning Film Club News

As founder, president and treasurer (amongst other honorary and hereditary titles) of the Saturday Morning Film Club, I am pleased to announce the acquisition of a Blu-Ray player.

The player was broken in with an out-of-season showing of 'This Is Spinal Tap' (on Wednesday night) to put it through its paces.

This was not classed as an official Film Club event as it was a private screening for board members only. And not on a Saturday morning.

As the film club does not own any Blu-Ray movie discs, films will continue to be screened from DVDs, though they will now be upscaled using the Blu-Ray player's inbuilt technology. I don't know how it works but it does.

The Day We Caught The Bus

I missed the bus to work this morning. There was another one like twenty minutes later so it wasn't a big deal.

As I had fifteen minutes or so to kill, I went for a walk around the town centre. It was eerily quiet at 8am, barely a soul around, like something from '28 Days Later'. But in a small market town rather than London.

Leek, this morning

The only shop I saw open was a butchers. This only added to the spooky atmosphere. Why does a butcher need to open up at 8am? And if there were zombies, this would surely attract them.

I quickly retreated to the safety of the bus station, and took my place next to the pregnant woman smoking a cigarette and the guy who looked like a pervert and/or serial killer. This is my town and these are my people.

The Receipt Of Happiness

Looking through receipts makes me unashamedly nostalgic. It makes me think things like: remember the time I bought the Haim album (on day of release) and Season One of 'Girls' at the same time? Good times. Or even: remember how excited I was when I got the newly remastered 1962-1966 and 1967-1970 Beatles compilations (they sound slightly sharper than the previous CDs I had that cost a fraction of the price). Admittedly, most of the receipts I keep are from HMV so this is the kind of nostalgia I get. The receipts are generally chucked in the top drawer in the chest of drawers north-north-west in my room (you know the one) and get sorted through about once every six months, so I get a lot of this in a short space of time.

Occasionally, the memories are bad: like the time I bought the two disc special edition of the film 'Rust And Bone' and opened it (some months later – after the receipt would have expired) to find only one disc there (the bonus disc was nowhere to be found). I am still bitter about this. I could be positive and say at least I can still watch the film as I got the main disc. But no, I'm naturally negative and I really wanted to see those bonus features such as the exclusive BAFTA Q&A with Marion Cotillard, and to see if the director's comments are conducted in French with subtitles, over clips of the already subtitled film. I guess I'll never know now.