Worst World Cup Moments

No. 2: Rivaldo

Like many players, Rivaldo could dive and feign injury at will, but he outdid himself at the 2002 World Cup.

In Brazil's first group game against Turkey, Rivaldo had just scored a penalty in the 87th minute (wrongly awarded - see 4:37 in this video - the foul was clearly outside the box) to give Brazil a 2-1 lead, and leaving Turkey with only 10 men.

As the game went into injury time, Rivaldo engaged in a bit of time wasting at a corner. Hakan Unsal ran over to kick the ball to/at him...

The ball hit Rivaldo in the thigh, only for Rivaldo to take a dive clutching his face, as shown quite nicely in the video above, all set to some lovely hip hop music. Result: Hakan Unsal was sent off and Rivaldo would forever be associated with (pointless) cheating.

Worst World Cup Moments

Seemingly every newspaper and website in the world is having a series on the best or most important moments from World Cup history right about now. I can't compete with that, but I can mention some of the worst.

No. 1: Diana Ross

At USA 94, Diana Ross was the main attraction of the opening ceremony. An odd choice on many levels:, she’s not the kind of artist that I think many football fans would have liked (especially back then when football was a lot less female friendly than it is now) and her star was seriously on the decline by then; she hadn't had a top 10 album in the US since 1980 and a top 10 single since 1984. 19 of her previous 20 singles had even failed to chart in America at all.

Anyway, at one point in the ceremony, Diana was meant to kick a football into a goal, only it didn't quite go to plan. She spannered the ball hopelessly wide, made worse by the fact the goals fell apart as if her "goal" had broken them. Ever the pro, she kept on running and singing. And by singing, I mean lip-synching; and quite badly too, she doesn't even bother holding the microphone to her mouth much of the time. She does sing the odd bit over the backing tape to be fair though as the show goes on.

You can watch the whole 8 minute Diana Ross section of the opening ceremony by clicking here. You can also see her nipples poking through her top quite prominently towards the end of her performance too, if you're into that kind of thing.

Love Shack

It's the summertime now, which is a perfect excuse to listen to 'Love Shack', perhaps the defining cultural achievement of the 20th Century.

One time in High School, there was a drive to reduce the amount of lost property, so teachers would read out lists of lost property items at the start of classes to try to find their owners. One German lesson, Herr W (our teacher) read out a list of the usual items (gloves, scarves etc) with little response, until he mentioned a 'Love Shack' 12” picture disc single. After a brief silence, about 10 kids all put their hands up claiming it as their own. I think only 'Love Shack' could have had that kind of effect on a class of apothetic Generation Xers. And yes, I was one of those 10 kids.

World Cup Fever

The World Cup got underway yesterday in Brazil with the hosts beating Croatia 3-1. The first World Cup I can remember is Mexico 86. (I can't say for sure but I think it was held in Mexico in 1986.) I was only 7 at the time, a young innocent, probably listening to The Smiths, REM, Throwing Muses, like most people did at that age and at that time. I was probably still into David Bowie then too, but secretly thought that his recent stuff wasn't as good as his 70s stuff, though didn't want to tell that to anyone else because I was just happy to see Bowie alive, happy and successful. He deserved it.

Just before Mexico 86, I had a bit of an accident. Playing football in our back yard on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I needed to go to the bathroom, so I ran to our back door, and tried to shove it open, thinking it to be ajar. As it happened, the door was shut and my hand went straight through one of the 1960s style glass panels (in 1986) leaving my wrist cut open and shards of glass stuck in the wound. As my mum didn't drive and my dad was playing golf (and was unreachable), my mum had to take me to my nan and grandad's house (a couple of streets away) to try to get a lift to the hospital. They weren't in either, nor their neighbour who we knew (who was also my godfather). I had a green and white tea towel wrapped around my wrist, soaking up the blood. In the end, some guy in my grandparents's street who happened to be outside washing his car offered to drive us to the hospital so that I could get my wrist dealt with.

The end result of this was that for the start of Mexico 86, I had my right wrist stitched and bandaged up. Coincidentally, star England striker of that World Cup was Gary Lineker, who had his (left) wrist bandaged during the tournament (see the picture above). This led to inevitable comparisons in the playground; fortunately, I was quite the goalscorer in those days and my Lineker-like appearance and goal-hanging made me a feared lunchtime goal threat.

England eventually lost in the quarter finals to Argentina, who went on to win the tournament. My wrist bandage was eventually removed, but it had served its purpose. My class's team (with me as star striker) went on to win a six-a-side tournament that summer too, proving me more successful than Gary Lineker that year, who won nothing, other than the World Cup's golden boot award for leading scorer and a multi-million pound transfer to Barcelona.

Celebrity Golfing Anecdote

I went to the English Open golf tournament at the Forest of Arden one year (on the Thursday of what I would guess was around 1996 or so) with one of my cousins (called Kenny G for the sake of this post) and some other people. Aside from hearing the radio station BRMB for the first time (heavily advertised on ITV at the time), I did manage to come away from the day with two celebrity golfing anecdotes, just the thing every raconteur or bon viveur needs for those occasions when you are talking to golf fans, or at a golf club.

(1) At the practise putting green, bearded New Zealand golf sensation Frank Nobilo was being filmed. I managed to position myself at all times so that I was always in line with the camera and behind Frank. I don't know how much of it they showed on Sky Sports* but I would have been there in the background too. If you happened to tape that day's golf, please watch that day's entire play then e-mail me and let me know if they showed any of that footage. Thanks.

* Interestingly, all the camera equipment I saw that day was (former?) BBC equipment where the BBC symbol was still clearly visible beneath the Sky Sports stickers/logos.

(2) At one point, Kenny G and I followed Colin Montgomerie around for a while, as he was probably the main man of European golf at the time. Needless to say, I was suitably impressed by how far he could smack the ball. Also, at the time, he seemed like the tallest person I had ever seen in my life, but Wikipedia says that he's only 6ft 1in, so unless he's shrunk a lot since then I was probably just imagining it. Either that, or people from Staffordshire are like hobbits compared to the rest of the world. Anyway, after one hole, Kenny G and I thought we would get a move on to the next tee to get a good spot. I found myself walking along talking to what I thought was Kenny G but was actually just a random stranger, so I stopped to look for him only to have somebody walk straight into me with such force that it knocked me to the ground. I looked up sheepishly to see the one and only Colin Montgomerie helping me back up as it was he who had knocked me over (I bet you didn't see that coming). He saw the funny side about it and apologised. Whenever people would say he had a bad attitude etc I would always tell this story to show him in a better light.

I think you'll agree these are two dynamite anecdotes, fit for any occasion. Please feel free to steal them and use them for yourself. If you need more information to make the stories more convincing or watertight (in case anyone starts asking questions about the whether it actually happened to you, for example), then let me know, I'll be happy to help.

Jumping On The Fashion Blog Bandwagon

I already jumped on the food blog bandwagon, and if there's one type of blog that's more popular right now, it's blogs about fashion. So, I'm going to teach you all about what it takes to be as stylish as me, starting with footwear.

Everyone should own some Doc Martens shoes/boots. I've been wearing the "101" boot (pictured) lately, available for £95 from Amazon, though I got them at the Brassington Bros shoe shop in Hanley (Stoke-on-Trent) for about £85. They're not as sleek as the classic Doc Martens boot, but I got them to double as a fashion item and my winter shoe of choice, in case I have to fight my way through lots of rain and snow, which I do as I live in England. I also like to wear some thick woollen socks with Doc Martens for extra comfort and squishiness.

Converse are also a must (quelle surprise). I've currently got some hi tops in "noir" and "ecru" (yellow) and low tops in red and white, though the white ones have faded and gone slightly yellow. The hi tops are typically around £55 and low tops around £45. Having (UK) size 11 feet can make buying Converse a bit of a nightmare as it limits the choices available to me, even on Amazon.

Everyone likes a bit of glamour occasionally, which is why I own some silver shoes. Yeah you read that right. They're slightly faded now, but they still shimmer and sparkle, and that's all that matters. I got them in Primark a couple of years ago for about £10. Bargain of the century.

Having some nice black and brown shoes for more formal occasions/outfits goes without saying, though I'll say it anyway. This is the more boring part of the footwear area, but needs must. You can buy them just about anywhere, you don't need my help.

2013 Favourites

Film

This is an easy one as I've only seen one film from last year, 'Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa', which, fortunately, is as good as one might expect.

Games

2013 was a stellar year for games, the Wii U (woo hoo!) had its first full year and the PS4 (mild yay) and Xbone (boo!) were released. The stellar 'GTA V' ruled sales-wise, and though I haven't finished it yet, I would say it's a lot better than the disappointing 'GTA 4' and is a lot of fun. Another "AAA" title that was a lot of fun was 'Assassin's Creed IV'. At first, I thought it an improvement on 'ACIII', but I've since replayed 'ACIII' and I actually think that III is better than IV. The multiplayer on 'ACIV' is astoundingly good though, easily the best of the year for me. Talking multiplayer, that brings me to the very disappointing 'Call Of Duty: Ghosts', which had a piss poor single player campaign and quite a lame multiplayer, which ditched objective game modes in favour of pure killing, and improved the hit detection to the extent that as soon as you get hit you're dead (and vice versa). It plays into the hands of campers and is much the worse for it. 'Batman: Arkham Origins' was another fine (if more-of-the-same) entry to the series, and featured multiplayer for the first time, though that's quite hard to judge as it is virtually impossible to find a game when you go online. PS3 had 'The Last Of Us', which was very good, both in single player and multiplayer, though it's not quite the masterpiece some people make it out to be. Wii U had some of the best games of the year, the amazing 'Super Mario 3D World' being the best, featuring insanely brilliant and varied level design and probably the tightest controls of any game this year. 'Lego City Undercover' was another incredibly fun game, easily the best Lego game I've seen or played. Wii U also had the promising looking 'Wonderful 101' and reamkes of 'Legend Of Zelda:the Wind Waker' and 'Deau Ex: Human Revolution', though I haven't got around to playing them yet. The best game of the year though was unquestionably 'Animal Crossing: New Leaf' on 3DS. I've already put in over 200 hours playtime into the game and will undoubtedly put in lots more. The 3DS had a stellar year though I didn't get around to too many of the other great-looking games ('Fire Emblem: Awakening', 'Pokemon X and Y', 'Luigi's Mansion 2', 'Lego City Undercover: The Chase Begins', 'Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D', 'The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds' to name but a few!) as I spent so much time as mayor in my town (called Hyrule) in 'Animal Crossing'.

Music

My favourite album of 2013 was "The Stand-In" by Caitlin Rose, a rockier effort than her brilliant debut album, not that that's necessarily a bad thing. I also liked the latest Neko Case album (which goes without saying), the title of which is too long to type. The album I listened to the most last year was probably "True Romance" by Charli XCX, which still gets heavy rotation on my stereo, and is really very good. Laura Marling's fourth album "Once I was An Eagle" was another stellar effort and "Silence Yourself", the debut by Savages, was fantastic too. Of the hyped albums of the year, I enjoyed Haim's debut "Days Are Gone" quite a bit and Lorde's "Pure Heroine" too.

Podcasts

Greg Proops's "The Smartest Man In The World" is probably my favourite of 2013, a kind of improvised stand-up show full of anecdotes, rants, politics. Richard Herring produced some good work again this year, with a show from the Edinburgh Fringe featuring chats with other performers as well as some stand-up, and another from the Leicester Square Theatre, which is another chat-based show with (mainly) comedians. Also providing a conversation based podcast (I didn't want to use the words chat or talk again there) was Jeff Garlin, whose show "By The Way, In Conversation With Jeff Garlin" featured interviews with some of his friends and favourite performers. It doesn't always hit the mark, and it can get a bit awkward when he sucks up to the guests (though to be fair Jeff does address this and is unrepentant), but is very interesting nonetheless and he gets some big name guests and people you don't get long interviews with too often, such as Larry David. "The Bugle", with Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver, continued to be excellent into its fifth year as did Kevin Smith and his army of podcasts (in their seventh year!), of which "Hollywood Babble-On", a fairly bitchy review of the week in entertainment with Ralph Garman, is probably my favourite. Just lately I've got into "Call Chelsea Peretti", featuring the aforementioned Chelsea Peretti (I love saying that name), a comic and writer (on shows like "Parks and Recreation" and "The Sarah Silverman Program"). The podcast is kind of weird and surreal and features Chelsea taking calls from listeners and rambling on about various other surreal things. It might well be the most brilliant thing ever, I'm not really sure yet.

Radio
The ever excellent 'Sound Opinions' continued in fine form last year as ever, as did BBC 5live's 'Fighting Talk', though the show has taken a downturn since host Colin Murray left in the summer to be replaced by a revolving panel of hosts (when will the BBC learn thi is never a good idea?). Also on 5live is 'Daily Bacon', the channel's entertainment and interviews show, which relies on good guests and generally has someone of interest on the show, fortunately. As ever though, my favourite radio show is 'Hawksbee and Jacobs' on talkSPORT, a humorous weekdaily take on the world of sport (is weekdaily a word?) which is always excellent. And funny.

TV
Got to be honest, I didn't watch much TV in 2013, though I did see some good stuff. 'The Americans', strangely shown on primetime ITV, was a very enjoyable (American) cold war thriller, and showed where 'Homeland' went wrong when it started to focus on the Brody-Mathison romance and less on imminent terrorist threat. 'Arrested Development' was the main reason I started subscribing to Netflix last summer and was very good, if a little inconsistent (the shows needed a little editing I think), but Netflix was where I found the best show of the year, animated comedy 'Archer', an American parody of espionage movies (James Bond in particular), which focuses as much on office politics as it does on real politics and is much the better for it. I've only seen Season 1 of 'Breaking Bad' and up to Season 3 of 'Eastbound & Down' or I'm sure they would have joined the list too.

New Year's Resolution

You literally can't move right now for people making New Year's resolutions. Literally. And as we all know, everyone will stick to those resolutions.

My own resolution was going to be to live a more interesting life this year, but I know that won't happen. Instead, I am going to steal other people's anecdotes and life stories to make my life seem more interesting.

Yeah, this is morally wrong, probably, and dishonest, but it's a lot easier than actually doing anything. And I'm nothing if not consistently lazy. I know my strengths.

I will have to take care not to tell people their own anecdotes, that's probably the main danger of my resolution, especially if they are those people's "classic" anecdotes, like my friend and the time he stood next to Andy/Andrew Cole at a nightclub toilet or my uncle who saw a former cast member from Coronation Street drunk and shouting abuse at people in Stoke city centre (she was doing panto in Stoke at the time).

With this resolution and an army anecdotes at my disposal, I shall surely become the most interesting, and sexy, person anyone in my life will know. No bad can possibly come from this.

Adventure Time

The big adventure of my week was my trip to Tesco in Hanley, a magical place filled with wonder and excitement. And tinned foods.

Lost in a myriad of aisles, like pews in a church of capitalism, I ventured forth, purchasing foodstuffs and snacks. Which you probably can't do in a church, though I may be wrong, and often am. I wasn't ready to go into the clothing section or opticians and don't know if I ever will be. That was a step too far.

The temple of doom

Some people seemed to find it hard to grasp the concept of a "baskets only" checkout. In front of me in that queue were two different women with fairly full trollies, certainly containing more than you can fit into a basket. The checkout woman still served them. I don't know why. I would have let them get to the counter then told them to go a checkout that takes trollies.

The woman directly in front of me in the queue purchased four items: vodka, wine, paracetamol, ibuprofen. Now there's a woman who knows what she wants.

I paid for my items in cash. As I left the store, rays of sun hit me, waking me to the reality of the real world. I went back to work, my adventure now just a memory to use when I'm short on ideas for blog posts.

The Now Obligatory Food Review Post

Food blogs are pretty popular right now (I have no evidence of this), so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.

I had a chil(l)i con carne yesterday for the first time in over a decade. I enjoyed it a lot. It was a part of Uncle Ben's microwavable food range. I've not kept the cardboard outer packaging, so I can't comment on the ingredients; there was definitely rice, almost certainly some chilies, maybe some cocoa, some of those big, dark red beans and a brown coloured sauce.

I can't really compare the taste to that of other chili con carnes as, like I've already stated, it's the first one I've had in years. The rice was slightly drier than I'd have liked, but that may have been my own fault for cooking them for too long in the microwave.

The meal went down great with a bag of cheese and onion discos and a mug of tea, which is probably the way it is meant to be eaten by whichever culture or civilisation invented the dish. A triumph.